“Again and again and again and again.” – Robert Smith, upon receiving his second vaccine dose.

There is no better feeling than waking up and remembering that you have a limbic system. The only feeling that comes close is falling asleep knowing that thousands of years ago a human tried string cheese for the first time.

Let us now turn our attention to the COVID-19 vaccines.

Only a little while ago, most of us thought that vaccines were what you got when you wanted to avoid Saskatchewan. And for sure, none of us knew that we’d one day be using them to avoid The Parliament of Canada, much less COVID-19.

Yet here we are, and what better way to learn about the new COVID-19 vaccines than by matching them with Columbia buildings, eh?

• Milstein Library = Moderna

Technically, it should have been impossible to build something like Milstein until next year. It’s that cutting-edge. I honestly feel like I’d take a third dose of Milstein, given the chance. Something about it is just so “messenger RNA.”

What separates Milstein from Pfizer? Well, I’d say that “Milstein” and “Pfizer” don’t rhyme, but I’m fourteen and my opinions don’t matter.

(Written in Sacramento, West Side)

• NoCo = Pfizer

If Big Pharma were to seize Columbia’s assets, they would start with NoCo. I’m not even sure that’s a bad thing.

Generally, it only takes two visits to size up NoCo. On the first you might check out the library but realize it’s kinda messy. On the second you might visit Joe Coffee but chide yourself for stumping up $6.00 on coffee.

The Pfizer vaccine has nothing to do with libraries or coffee, but it does require two trips to the clinic, so it is basically NoCo.

• Carlton Arms = Johnson and Johnson

You basically just have to go to Carlton Arms once—just to say that you’ve been there.

• Lerner = AstraZeneca

Mired in controversy, used only for a lack of alternatives: these qualities are shared by the AstraZeneca vaccine and our very own student center.

We should remember, however, that the WHO still recommends the AstraZeneca vaccine and that European health officials stress that the vaccine has only a very remote chance of leading to serious side effects. Has the WHO said anything similar about Lerner? Hardly.

So there you have it: Columbia Dining Halls as Unpopular Football Teams. I hope that we have all learned something useful.

Monster via Bwog Archive

Milstein via Barnard College

NoCo via Columbia University

Carlton Arms via Columbia University

Lerner via Columbia University