Are we really sure a person can’t swipe into the buildings without filling this out every day?

Columbia requires students to fill out the Daily Attestation in the Reopen CU app in order to access campus, which asks if you are experiencing symptoms, have come into contact with someone who tested positive, or have tested positive for COVID-19. 

The attestation can supposedly take up to 45 minutes to sync with your Columbia ID, so when you wake up for your 8:40, your first thought when your eyes open should be “Time to fill out my Daily Attestation!” Luckily, all you need to do to secure your Green Pass for the day is check the box that says “none of the above.” 

Unfortunately, this makes it a little too easy for someone to skip over the fine print and gain campus access without honestly filling out the Green Pass. But don’t worry, Columbia! We at Bwog have some creative solutions:

Contact tracing:

• Use Snap map to contact trace everyone at 1020 on Friday night

Instead of asking students if they have come into contact with anyone who tested positive, Columbia should just screenshot a student’s Snap map at 1020 on Friday night. There’s no better way to know who to contact when someone comes down with the “Carman cough.” Just make sure you take lots of Snapchat selfies of you with your vodka cran so your map continually updates!

• Project the photos of people who test positive onto Low Library like in The Hunger Games

You’ve probably gotten this email: “An individual who attended your class on Monday has been diagnosed with COVID-19.” But what if you don’t know the names or phone numbers of anyone in your 80-person lecture course and could only recognize the person you sat next to by their face? It can feel like The Hunger Games trying not to get sick on campus! The solution: At exactly 9 pm every night, gather around Low Library for a ceremonial display of Columbia’s most recent positive cases. Projections include the photo and district (John Jay, Hartley, etc.) of those who tested positive. If you recognize someone you sat next to in class, just book yourself a test in Lerner! 

Social distancing:

• Hold large lectures in Baker Stadium so students can sit 6 feet apart

You don’t know where the people in your 300-person lecture course have been, and you certainly don’t want their germs. Instead of crowding students into a cramped lecture hall in Havemeyer, Columbia should relocate large lectures to Baker Stadium. After all, they’re already holding classes in Broadway due to COVID-19 restrictions. At a Baker lecture, students can kick back 6 feet apart, which means plenty of room to spread out their notes and laptops. And if you left your reading for the last minute, don’t fear: you still have the 40-minute subway ride to get it done! 

• Convert the lawns into a nightclub on weekends so students aren’t crowding into Mel’s

Instead of restricting social events on campus, Columbia should encourage socially distant socializing. All they need is to bring back the speakers from Convocation, and students can spread out across the lawns at night to dance and have fun. They already have bouncers (the security guards at the gates) and if everyone in John Jay puts their LED lights on the color-changing setting, it would create the perfect strobe effect. I mean, c’mon, how different would this really be from the Activities Fair?

Quarantining:

• Make students walk by Dig Inn to check that they haven’t lost their sense of smell

You can’t trust every student to stay home when they have symptoms, but a reliable way for Columbia to check if students are sick is to parade students every morning down Broadway between 112th and 113th street. If a student doesn’t cover their nose at the scent of Dig Inn cooking their yams, they will be immediately quarantined and scheduled for a COVID test.  

• Permanently quarantine everyone in McBain

If cases are originating from anywhere at Columbia, it’s McBain. I don’t even want to know what they’re finding in that wastewater… 

• Every time a student coughs in class the floor drops through and they fall into another dimension

There’s nothing scarier than sitting in class and hearing someone behind you start to hack up a lung. Imagine how much more relaxed you would feel if every time someone coughs, the floor underneath them opens up and their chair falls out of the classroom and into another dimension. This would provide a strong incentive for students to stay home if they feel sick. It’s unclear exactly where the hole in the floor leads to (there is some speculation that students take Dante’s journey in Inferno) but our evidence shows that they ultimately end up in the McBain quarantine colony.

Testing:

• Hire Columbia alum Kate McKinnon to do stand-up while people wait in line to get tested in Lerner

Columbia could expand their undergraduate testing locations, but they could also just provide free entertainment while students wait in the ridiculously long line. Columbia alumna and SNL cast member Kate McKinnon will walk up and down the Lerner ramp performing a stand-up comedy routine while students wait to get tested. To protect against the spread of COVID-19, she will wear a full-body hazmat suit while she performs, which she will be required to work into her routine in a clever way.

• PrezBo does stand up while people wait in line to get tested

Since Kate McKinnon will be required to perform in a hazmat suit, there’s no way of knowing that it’s actually her doing the stand-up routine. To avoid the large expense of hiring a celebrity, Columbia could also just put President Bollinger in a hazmat suit and send him out to perform stand-up for the people waiting to get tested. 

• The Barnard weekly testing program

If none of the above suggestions appeal, Columbia could also follow Barnard’s lead by expanding their testing capacity and mandating weekly testing for all undergraduates. But that would be ridiculous, right?

ReopenCU via Bwog Archives