Since making me sick is God’s cruel idea of a joke, I’ve decided to show them who’s boss (spoiler, it’s me)

As we have successfully passed all the good parts of these past few months, it’s the perfect time now to get sick. I take maybe all the precautions on this planet not to get sick – I don’t lick subway floors, I don’t drink sewer water, I don’t eat ferris salads, and I still get sick! So. I’ve decided that if being cautious is what’s causing this horrific sickness, here are all the reasons I won’t wash my hands.

1. I enjoy not being able to breath out of my nose, it protects me from the disturbing scents of Reid 8 bathrooms.

2. It’s absolutely exhilarating waiting for my COVID-19 results to observe the fate of the rest of my life because the day I am positive for COVID is the day I am positive for type-1 embarrassment and spoiler, its malignant.

3. good soup. the soup at all our dining halls is amazing. especially the ones with suspicious meats and chicken noodle soup that definitely does not have chicken and instead is a mystery meat akin to the texture I imagine dog shit to be.

4. It’s an absolutely fantastic excuse to get out of doing work. In fact I often use this excuse even when I DO wash my hands in order to not do work.

5. college = being sick. if you’re at college and you’re not sick wtf are you doing?!?! Go be a real college student you fool.

6.My chin is shy so having permanently inflamed lymph nodes protects my chin from the scary scary world *shudder*

7.  my immune system will thank me. when? nobody knows. but the day it does, I’ll have the strongest immune system known to man. Like seriously, I have B-cells for every type of disease ever. I mean WW2 diseases, I mean Christopher Columbus discovered the new world diseases, I mean the origin of fucking multi-cellular organisms. yeah. fight me bitch.

8. i’m too cool to wash my hands. 

Disclaimer, this is all a joke, in pandemic times please wash your hands and stay safe, I really would not be able to do online school…

Hands via bwog archives