Consider this an open letter to Dean Kromm herself.

Distraught at all the flaws we saw around our campus, we called upon our staffers to brainstorm a list of helpful inventions that would drastically improve life for Columbia students far and wide!

• A website/app that quantifies how slippery different places are on campus today and helps you mentally and physically prepare
• Lampposts on the lawns with charging outlets so you can do work on your computer outside even when it’s on 5% battery (We know they have these at Brown, and we’re jealous!)
• A counter that shows how many people are on each stacks floor at any given time
• A cleanliness status light for different bathrooms in the buildings
• A mind reader that can scan my brainwaves and tell me which library is best for me to be in based on current vibes
• GPS specifically for locating rooms in the Schermerhorn Extension 
• A program that scans your syllabi and provides you with a list of dates when you will most likely have a mental breakdown because of overlapping assignments
• A Geiger counter for film bros, philosophy majors, female manipulators, men who say Barnumbia is a dumb term, or men (or people in general) who talk down on Barnard so you can keep yourself safe at all times
• Something that flags whenever vintage Columbia merch appears online
• Contacts that make the tents go away and make the trees look like they have leaves so you can imagine the campus as lovely as you were sold as a prospie!
• A pill that contains all the nutrients you need to get through days with three back-to-back classes 
• A popup that, when you try to register for 18 or more credits, stops you from doing so with messages like “No bro, don’t do it! Don’t do it! Don’t do it!!!” 
• A phone app that automatically presses 7 whenever Duo calls

Lightbulb! via Bwarchives