Hewitt always gets a bad rap, but is it actually the hugely underrated, sleeper-cell baddie of dining halls? Deputy Arts Editor Marino Bubba and Staff Writer Viviana debate in this issue of ATSL.

Affirmative: Marino

Picture this: you’re sitting on a couch drinking a cappuccino as the hustle and bustle of the Upper West Side rushes past you through the windows to your either side, hectic noises muted behind the glass. The warm glow of the evening sunset washes over the crispy slice of pizza or the plate of hot chana masala or the bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch™ on the table in front of you. For once in your sad life, the pain has subsided. 

Where are you?

If you answered “Heaven,” you aren’t too far off. If you answered “Max Caffè,” you live under a rock. But if you answered “Hewitt Dining Hall, Barnumbia’s Premier Location For Edible Enjoyment And Culinary Contentment,” you would be correct.

That’s right, Hewitt is—by far, no contest, not even close—the best dining hall on campus.

Why?

I’m so glad you asked!

The Aesthetics

With neoclassical reliefs moulded to a vaulted ceiling, walls pure as virgin snow, and floor-to-ceiling windows flooding the whole scene with natural light, it’s hard to tell if you’re in a school dining hall or a Florentine chapel. Plus, the sofas in every corner are really comfy.

Compare this to Ferris—with iridescent lights and packed tables reminiscent of an emergency room lobby—and John Jay, which looks like it’s doing a bad cosplay of Hogwarts’ Great Hall.

The Cost

Most students don’t think about the cost of a meal swipe when they enter a dining hall, but you absolutely should. Depending on your meal plan, each swipe costs you $10.00 to $15.00. If you want to convert dining dollars into meal swipes, Columbia will charge you $14.50 per swipe. But at Hewitt, you have the option to use dining dollars (those things you always have left over at the end of the semester) or up-front payment instead. Because Hewitt changes the cost depending on the time of day, with breakfast and lunch much cheaper than the average meal, this can save you some serious scratch. Want breakfast? Hewitt (and this method) will save you nearly two-thirds the cost. Lunch? About a third. 

The People

Do you want to get shoved around, hit by athletes’ overstuffed backpacks, and get cursed out in the hot food line? Go to John Jay or Ferris. Do you want someone to compliment your shoes even though they’re the same ones you wear every day? Go to Hewitt.

Plus, the staff are the nicest people on the planet. If you can’t afford a therapist but want someone to actually talk to you about your day, go to Hewitt and talk to the tater tot guy.

All Day Cereal!

Every other dining hall puts the cereal away after breakfast. Worse yet, they don’t even replace it with anything fun and lunch-y! Hewitt lets you eat this classic childhood comfort food with every meal.

Hewitt also always has Apple Jacks™, objectively the best cereal ever created. Don’t believe me? Please enjoy this video of Bill Nye the Science Guy using facts and logic to prove there is no cereal that holds a candle to the divinity of Apple Jacks™. 

Milk!

Hewitt has three milk options: whole, 2%, and chocolate. How badass is that? They don’t waste our time with 1% (the milk of the bourgeoisie) or—God forbid—skim (the precum of milks).

Notice I said “milk.” Hewitt has all the non-milk alternatives your heart could possibly desire, including almond juice, oat juice, and coconut juice. (I’m sorry, you think these are also milks? Do the almonds have mammaries? Do you squeeze it out of the oat’s nipples?)

Everyone Else Hates It

Perhaps the best thing about Hewitt is that no one likes it. Like, at all. As a result, there is always plenty of room to contemplate your dinner options and lounge about until you’re finally ready to eat.

It also makes you cool and super edgy and iconoclastic and not-like-other-girls to appreciate Hewitt. Hot bwabes like Hewitt. I don’t make the rules.

Negative: Viviana

(pleawse note. the speelling mistakes come from the soul.)

Dearest mos  t beloved hewitt dining hal;ll,

Where to even begin. The sight of this dining hall has me in tears. Screaming. Crying. Throwing up. For my barnard friends, have you ever run into a male CC student who asks “wow are you really from barnard?” amnd then looks you up and down judgementally. For people who DONT attend barnard (losers), have you ever been placed down 18 ranks in the US News (totally hypothetrical situation….).

The rage i feel when any man from CC speaks to me like this (or has an opinion about anything in general) or what I assume collumbia students woyld feel in theis 100% fake very much not real situation is similar to how I feel at 8pm after trying to study for my bio test only to arrive at hewitt and have some pespi flaovoured water. PEPSI FLAVORED WATER. Do you understand what i go through? MAYBVE. Depends on how often you;

  1. Intract with men at CC
  2. Go to hewitt dining

Columbia is jus another private institutuion in the scope of society which already deepl.y upstes me and I arrive here every night with the seven thousand dining plan i was FORCED to pay for only to get some pepsi flavoured water? Be serious. I thinkthat barnumboa dining is trying to turn me into the Joker. They can sense that im already upset with society and its bullshit standards and its need for “daily showering” anf they dongt ujnderstandme. THEY WILL NEVR UNDERSTAND ME….. And after imposing these impossible standards onto me they want me to pay seven thousand dollars for pepsi flavoured water. PLEADSE fix the soda machines. I nee dthe caffeine to feel any sort of energy or serotonin in these bleak conditions and what barnumbia dining has to offer is PEPSI FLAVOURED WATER? 

Society is so fucked up and evil but specifically hewigtt dining,. Every vegetarian meal is a combination of beans and rice that is never cooked all the way. They NEVER have the gluten-free muffins. The bananas are GROSS. The coffee machines never work. If you come any time later than 6 pm your hot chocolate will be hot chocolate flavored water and if you get there at 7pm it’s just a cup of water. Blandest oatmeal known to man. 

Well. At least the vanilla coke is good. RIght??? Hahhahahahha. THERES NO BIG RED MACHINE. Where are the big red drink machines. We need a big red drink machine. Please. 

 I am a gatekeeper and a hater. I want nice hot chocolate but I also don’t want to have dinner at 6:22pm (the average time an american eats dinner). It is still hispanic heritage month,. How do you expect me to show up at any dining hall earlier than7:45…… ON HISPAM+NIC HERITAGE MONTH???? America is so evil but specifically the fact that the hot chocolate machines just pour out hot water any time after 6pm. Society is so cruel. Also please refill the chocolate milk machines they fill a void in my soul. Sorry Hewitt dining. I will be coming back again spoon. I’m just a hater and resentful and on a SVEEN THOUSAND DOLLAR MEAL PLAN???????? H elp . 

Yours truly,

The joker but for people who can only function off four cups of coffe a day. (college students)

Yummy Food From Hewitt! via Marino Bubba