Dedicated to anybody on the grindset.

Ah the seasons. Cool crisp days are replacing the hot humid summer swelter. The leaves aren’t changing quite yet, but that special fall smell is in the air. I’m starting to get Instagram ads for pumpkin patches and apple picking. The changing of the seasons really is a beautiful thing.

But fall isn’t the only season mounting on the horizon. No, for Columbia students a much more important season is in full swing: recruitment season. Sure, there’s colorful foliage, but more importantly there’s resumes, interviews, recruiter emails, and handshake perusing. For the tech and finance homies, it’s already either over or certainly well under way. For the rest of us, it’s just beginning to heat up. But regardless, we are all in this collective job market hell.

All of us, that is, except you fucks that have somehow already secured and signed offers. And to you, I sincerely say: fuck you.

Fuck you for not having a single “XYZ APP DUE” reminder in your Google Calendar.

Fuck you for not practicing your opening interview spiel in the mirror.

Fuck you for apartment hunting in whatever location you’ll be spending your summer.

Fuck your cute company swag they sent you.

Fuck the “it’ll happen for you, don’t worry” comments.

Fuck you for not having to talk to a single recruiter for the foreseeable future.

Fuck your resume.

Fuck your industry connections and the backdoor you used to somehow avoid this.

Or conversely, fuck you for breaking out without any help. 

Fuck all that space in your head that just gets to be empty, instead of filled with this job hunt garbage.

Fuck you for literally just being better than me. This one just stings.

Fuck your offer, and fuck your starting salary.

Could I beat them in a fight? My number of job offers says a definite no.

Self-defense tip: The only thing I have is spite and bitterness, for all it’s worth.

actual picture of me ready to square up via Bwarchives