Are you curious about what this weekend has in store for you? Want to know what you got on your Tuesday midterm? Want to know if you’ll end up sloshed in EC or hooking up with that SigNu guy in your 10:10?

Today marks the start of Halloweekend, a very important holiday on Columbia’s campus. Each night, overly stressed students attempt to forget about their overloaded schedules by drinking their weight in Borg and standing in too sweaty, too smelly, too cramped rooms with people they discuss Plato with at 8:40 am. But what about you, specifically? The stars know what’s in your future. They know if your costume will be taken off by someone else. They know that your TA will be grading your midterm Saturday night. They know when you’re going to experience that life changing cosmic shift. Most importantly, they want you to know.

Aries

Do: listen to your friends overthinking, go back to that freshman’s dorm in Carmen, baths

Don’t: BeReal, plastic cups, sleep with your ex (again)

Time to remember: Saturday, 1:48 pm

This weekend, it’s important to remember to feel your best to do your best. Make sure that you feel sexy and confident in whatever you’re wearing because if you feel ugly and insecure, people will think you’re ugly and insecure. Or perhaps you’re just ugly and insecure and that’s why you have to do a whole photoshoot just to get one good photo for Instagram. But don’t worry because your crush will see that post and like it. They won’t think anything of it as they barely even think of you, but the stars see that when they’re scrolling through Instagram and come across your post, they’ll pause for a moment, look at every photo in the dump, think to theirself, hot, like the post, and continue scrolling. You’ll go through your likes, see that they saw this post, and fall into the false reality that they actually care about you because it’s easier for you to fantasize about someone than actually go for what you want. That’s why if you actually want to fuck this person, you have to flirt and make a move. The stars want you to do that, and if you get rejected, just know that it was cosmic fate and move on with your life. Or don’t and stay in your false reality. The future is in your control!

Taurus

Do: lean into your insane side, jazz, neon green

Don’t: gluten and dairy (you really look bloated after having those), shitting, Blue Java

Time to remember: Thursday, 9:01 pm

As a Taurus, you love to lean into the beauty and grace of existence. This weekend, take that extra time for yourself when getting ready. Take the moment to fix your uneven eyeliner. Change your costume five times before leaving. Spend five minutes debating if you should wear the cute but painful shoes or the frat rat ones that already smell like Bacardi. Most importantly, take those mirror selfies of you looking hot before you get sloppy drunk and that shitty Amazon costume falls apart. If your friends try to convince you that you look ok and it’s time to head to the pregame, don’t listen to them. They’re lying. Your eyeliner is uneven. The Velma costume is tacky. Wear the frat rat shoes because some drunk and horny boy will spill his drink on you talking to your friend with her boobs out. Also, if you don’t take those sexy photos in the beginning, they will never get taken because as soon as you have your first shot of Svedka, you’re gonna have dead eyes in every single photo. The stars are just looking out for you, and your friends will get over you being 45 minutes late to the McBain pregame because they aren’t going to wait for you to start drinking. So if you’re going to be late anyway, might as well overthink a little while you’re at it.

Gemini

Do: mirrors, Diana sushi, walks at 2:00 after hooking up

Don’t: Italian, Brooklyn, cinnamon gum

Time to remember: Sunday 11:59 pm (that p-set is still due)

Love is in the air for you this weekend. This means that no matter where you are—Carmen, EC, SigNu, or Phebes—that special someone you can go home over Thanksgiving break and tell all your family and friends about is there at that party. Your free spirit attracts them, so jump into reality by listening to your gut and turning off your critical inner voice. Forget about that failed situationship from a month ago that you still can’t get over. The stars can see that they already forgot about you, and it’s a little depressing pining over someone who doesn’t even remember your hometown. Stop overthinking the details when you meet your new love. Don’t think about your smeared eyeshadow or the sweat stains on your slutty shirt or the fact that your breath smells like vodka. Your new love doesn’t care because they don’t really care about you. They just want to hook up with a nice piece of ass and you’re flirting with them looking fine as hell (at least you’re hot). When you finally decide to go home with your soulmate, remember that in the morning, your eyeshadow and mascara will be smeared and your sweat stains will smell and your breath is going to reek of vodka and Korenetes. But don’t worry! The stars can see that this person will in fact drunk text you the following night and give you just enough attention to fulfill your fantasies of falling in love. That’s why you’re gonna tell all your friends about them. Everyone but this person will know how in love you are, and when it comes time for them to move on to the next piece of ass after Thanksgiving, you’re heart will be broken, and you’re friends are all going to give you that look of pity as you listen to Midnights on repeat in Milstein. The worst part, the stars say, is that you’re going to have to tell your mom that they weren’t the one.

Cancer

Do: rings that turn your fingers green, pumpkin, socks

Don’t: buy flowers that you’re just going to let die over the next week, purple, silk

Time to remember: Friday 6:09 am

The past couple weeks, you have gone through a big shift. Your classes have been getting harder. Friendships have been getting more complicated. Your crush is giving you mixed signals. Your parents are asking about why you’re still changing majors. You’ve been gathering problems, not solving them. So maybe it’s time to actually do the assignments for that class you currently have a C in. You can, as the stars say, stay in Butler until 10 pm, miss the McBain pregame, and meet your friends in EC stone cold sober. But just know if you do that, you’ll be catching up with everyone when drinking. The stars can see that if you do that, you will be taking seven shots back to back, making you black out within the hour. That’s why the stars believe it’s best to just forget about your issues this weekend. Drink them away at the McBain pregame. Instead of being proactive (which you won’t be even if you attempt to be) and getting your shit together, just lose it.  Forget about all your issues because, babe, you really got a lot of them. I would say take a shot for every issue you have, but if you did, you would be leaving the pregame in a CUEMS to get your stomach pumped. So, maybe only take a shot for all the big ones (that way you just get hammered). Go all in. I mean, the best way to get rid of a hangover is to drink some more. Go to bottomless brunch at Amity. Get sloshed even before the Fiji darty begins (because who wants to accept a drink from a Fiji event). You’ll thank the stars later because every embarrassing thing you do this weekend, you won’t even remember (or just thank your friends for not reminding you).

Leo

Do: acai, lights, drinking so much that you vomit on your situationship

Don’t: lighters, St. A’s, vanilla

Time to remember: Wednesday 11:31 pm

As someone who loves being in the spotlight, remember that this weekend is about being with your friends and having a good time. This weekend, the stars want you to know that letting go of anxiety should be your top priority. Don’t constantly compare yourself to that person wearing the same costume as you. If you ignore their existence, it’ll be like they aren’t even there. I mean, perception is reality, so if you pretend hard enough that you actually are the center of attention, you will be. When striking up a new conversation, remember to overshare and only talk about yourself. You are the main character in everyone’s life, and everyone does want to hear about every thought you’ve ever had. That Beta boy is actually interested in hearing about your classes. He most definitely is not humoring you so that later in the night your hand will be on his hard dick. He is looking at your necklace and not your boobs. He does want to spend the night with you because he finds your quarks endearing and not because he’s pretending you’re his ex-girlfriend who left him for a SigEp boy. The stars see that he does want to take you on dates but he’s just too shy to not text you before 11:00 pm. The false reality you live in where you are the most important person in everyone’s life is actually true, and everyone is, in fact, thinking about you constantly, fantasizing about having you, wishing you were their friend, wanting to hear from you. You are the center of attention. It’s time to act like it.

Virgo

Do: fire, umbrellas, Amsterdam

Don’t: make out on Low Steps, ignorance, pipes

Time to remember: Saturday, 3:53 am

The stars can see how busy you are this weekend. You have that midterm coming up, Thursday night through Saturday night plans, three p-sets to complete, and (unbeknownst to you) an interaction with someone you’ve been trying to forget. Don’t fret because the stars have your best interest in mind. Everything will fall into place as long as you think about every possible outcome that could ever happen. Overthink to the point you’re writing over 12 pages in your journal about every interaction you have ever had with that specific person. Make sure to include an in depth analysis of how each interaction could be evidence of them liking you and how it can be evidence of them not caring. When you’re done with it, come to the delusional conclusion that they are in love with you and are waiting for you to make the first move. Don’t listen to your friends when they say that person is just not that into you. They don’t know them like you know them. They weren’t there to experience the energy between you two. They don’t know about how they touched you. They don’t know about the time they told you how beautiful you are. They have no idea what they’re talking about when they say this person has moved on because it has legit been over a month since you two have spoken. The stars see it working out. Get sloshed and approach that person. Come onto them, but only when you’re sloppy enough to be fragmentarily blacking out. It’s ok if it’s the worst make out sesh of your life. They won’t really remember it either. And for a matter of fact, they won’t even text you the next morning because your friends were right, but you won’t believe it until you move onto your next delusional love.

Libra

Do: Chef Mike’s, masks that cover your acne, suede

Don’t: Beta, chalk, gold

Time to remember: Saturday, 8:49 am

Although Halloweekend is an important holiday for you, it is midterm season, and the stars can sense that chaos building up in your soul. As a Libra, you need to find a balance between your class assignments and your party habits. Don’t let your nightlife of drinking until you forget bleed into your daily routine of having a coffee and hiding in Butler all day doing assignments that for some reason you continually get B’s on even though you worked on them for five hours each. Remember to finish the essay that’s worth 40% of your grade. Your professor will certainly remember you asking for an extension 12 hours before it’s due and take it into consideration when grading. That said, take the time to get fucked up in the evening. Get so fucked up, in fact, that when you start to kiss that one kid, they ask you if you even remember their name. You won’t, and they’ll repeat their name. This time, you’ll remember it and that they look oddly familiar. That’s when it will finally click that this person has been in your 150+ person lecture all semester. Actually, they’ve been sitting three rows in front of you and during your next lecture, you will pass them and get war flashbacks to this weekend. Good luck trying to tell that story to your friends without hating yourself. It’s ok, your friends will still be there for you when you’re finally ready to leave your ho phase. That situationship won’t be, though. They’ll move on to hook up with someone that looks a little bit too much like you. This will lead you to believe that they are deeply in love with you when in reality they just have a type and you had fulfilled that role for a month.

Scorpio

Do: cookies, clocks, Faculty House, Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly couples costume

Don’t: clocks, Uris Hall, concerns

Time to remember: Sunday, 5:46 am

Hellooooo Scorpio! It is your season this weekend, meaning the universe is radiating your energy. This will make your manifestations and decisions even stronger. Your intuition is correct. That hot person across the bar is looking at you. I mean, that’s why you wore that whore outfit, right? You didn’t dress up like an actual slut not to get attention? Go for it. Walk over to them with confidence, but make sure you look where you’re stepping because you may slip on that spilled drink. We all know (stars and the hot person included) that if you do that, you will be stared at by every person in the bar for being a clumsy drunk bitch. That person you originally meant to talk to will in fact get the ick immediately and turn to talk to your friend who—although doesn’t look like a whore as much as you—looks hotter anyway. That anxiety you feel in your stomach about people not actually finding you attractive in any manner is true. No one sees the drunk, slutty bitch and thinks, wow that’s partner material. The most they really think is, yeah I’d fuck them tonight but I kinda want another shot. Also, that stomach “anxiety” you feel during the day is not a message from the universe that your cosmic energy is off. The stars have not been trying to tell you that you need to realign your soul. They have, however, been trying to tell you that you have stomach issues. The stars have been telling you to call your doctor, not your ex. You need to make an appointment to get tested for a gluten and dairy allergy. While you’re at it, might as well get that STD test as this ho phase is starting to be more of a ho lifestyle. It’s time to get your shit together and actually listen to the stars this time, babe. They just want you to be your best self during your birthday month!

Sagittarius

Do: walks through the tunnels, nuances, feedback

Don’t: ratio, SigNu’s party even if you brought that ticket already (trust me), explanations

Time to remember: Wednesday, 7:40 pm

Your wild spirit is ready for a weekend of adventure. Try to remove yourself from your negative thoughts as they aren’t really helping you. It’s hard to be the cool, mysterious person in the corner when you’re only thinking about how others are perceiving you. Take that shot of liquid courage. Make sure you’re on the dance floor for “No Hands.” Pull out all your best moves in that sauna of a frat basement. Get even sweatier if that’s humanly possible. The stars want you to know that if you’re planning on fucking a frat boy at the party, just remember that all his frat brothers are there hyping him up as you walk to his room. Sure, you’re going to get a crazy story to tell all your friends about the next morning over your hungover debrief in John Jay, but you’re also going to be included on the list of all the chicks that got with a frat brother that weekend. The stars want you to remember that if he doesn’t care about you, he will be objectifying you to all his friends. It’s not that every guy is shitty like that, rather it’s because you just don’t exist in his actual world and are just a random person he got to have a fun night with. Make sure your wild spirit doesn’t go too crazy or else you might end up on their notes app list of hookups as “Playboy Bunny #3” with the description of “was hot enough where I got some nods while heading back to my room.”

Capricorn

Do: cigarettes outside the party, transfer at 96th, mosaics

Don’t: Hamilton Hall, assumptions, sleep through your Friday class

Time to remember: Friday, 4:40 pm

As a Capricorn, you’re able to control yourself and know when to play the long game. The stars want to tell you this weekend it is vital to use your patience and hold back on sleeping with the person you just met. This new love coming your way is destined to be your next relationship. Don’t let yourself repeat past mistakes and fall into the hookup culture trap. Flirt with this person. Give them a light touch on the arm. Do the triangle trick. Build up the tension and romantic feelings without giving into your sexual desires. Start to imagine what your wedding will be like. Will you take their name or will they take yours? What will you name your kids? The stars see this being your meet-cute moment. Give into delusional fantasies and romanticize everything they do. Remember, a red flag is green when you’re color blind, so if they start to act like an actual person with flaws, ignore those. They are perfect and deserve to live in your head throughout the day. Meticulously plan out every interaction with them. Specifically tell them parts of your life to create a narrative perfectly structured for them to fall in love with you. They don’t need to know how crazy you are. They don’t need to know that immediately after you saw them across the room, you had picked a restaurant for your Valentine’s Day date. This is your world they’re living in, and they are a pawn for your personal enjoyment. Relate a little bit too much to “Mastermind.” The stars see this conversation happening, so make sure it goes in the direction you want it to.

Aquarius

Do: efficency, sex in a McBain bathroom, communication

Don’t: Butler all nighters, guitars, comparisons

Time to remember: Thursday, 9:26 am

Your Aquarius sun placement means that you have one of the kindest souls. This weekend, it’s important to remember that even if you have anxiety, people love being your friend. Not because they actually care about you, rather because you help them with their problems. Ever wonder why your closest friend seems to ignore you when you tell them that you’re starting to feel depressed again? There’s a reason for it, and it’s your kind heart. That’s why the stars want you to be the pettiest, most self centered bitch you could possibly be this weekend. When that friend starts to get trashed again, let them pull trig by themselves. They can hold their own hair back. I mean if they can’t take what they drink, why does it have to be your problem. Think about yourself first. Give into every intrusive thought. Leave your friends at the party to sleep with that person in your seminar. Take that tequila shot after having five shots of vodka. Go to the bathroom and try what’s being offered. Attempt to take the Subway without directions. Run away from all your friends downtown. Go for a 3 am walk through Times Square. Stay up all night and watch the sunrise in the International Affairs Building. Do it. Do whatever you want to do because it’s time you stop looking out for others and start looking out for yourself. Burn those bridges. Cut those bitches out of your life. Be the unfiltered version of yourself you always have wanted to be. The stars are waiting for you to finally speak your mind.

Pisces

Do: negotiations, afairs, go to JJ’s crossed (it’s ok everyone knows you’re crossed)

Don’t: Plato’s Republic, effort, yearning

Time to remember: Sunday 1:07 am

Last but not least is the beautiful, thoughtful, and brilliant Pisces. You are just as magnificent as your friends keep on telling you. Even though you might feel insecure from time to time, just know that everyone else sees you as irresistible. That’s why this weekend, the stars want you to give into your irresistibility. Be everyone’s fantasy. Dress up as a cowgirl, Princess Leia, Bad Sandy from Grease, a Playboy Bunny, a police officer (make sure you have some handcuffs handy), Black Widow, Velma, a nun, a nurse, Jessica Rabbit, a mermaid, or cheerleader. It’s time to get kinky this weekend and do some rancid things that you keep locked in the depths of your mind. If you fantasize about being completely dominated, find a dom. If you dream about the person who always sits behind you during lecture, drunk text them. If you imagine topping a tall blond, find one. If you desire to be a pillow princess, make your partner only please you. Let others give you what you want. Time to stop seeing people as other conscious beings and start viewing them as characters in your story. The stars want you to know that what you want is just in arms reach; all you have to do is have the courage to grab it. Go into each situation and make each decision with clear intentions and full force. It’s time you chose you, and the stars recognize it. Go live your life and party it up! It’s only Halloweekend once a year after all!

The Fifth Dimension via Bwarchives