Columbia deserves better ketchup: Heinz Ketchup.

My ideal day starts with a smooth, tangy Diana smoothie along with my crispy bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich. Right next to the sandwich is the star of the meal—the hash browns. Only, lately, these hash browns have been missing something crucial to their taste: good ketchup.

Heinz Ketchup is the best ketchup. When I see another type of ketchup, I almost can’t help but shun it. Who would want another kind? As Insider’s Chelsea Davis noted, “It [has] the perfect thickness and texture… [and] sported the perfect balance of acidity, vinegary-tartness, and sweetness.” Even that review alone doesn’t do it enough justice. The effect that Heinz Ketchup has on food is palpable. A simple hash brown can be elevated to a Michelin-star meal with the simple addition of good ketchup. Chicken tenders with Heinz Ketchup make a tired meal into an energizing meal. Meatloaf is made with Heinz Ketchup for a reason: it makes it better. Heinz Ketchup makes everyone happier, so imagine my disappointment when I go to add ketchup to my meal and see the [redacted] Fancy Tomato Ketchup staring back at me.

The replacement ketchup (which is how I will refer to the Fancy Tomato Ketchup from now on), lacks the distinct flavors of Heinz Ketchup. It isn’t the perfect mix of “sweet, sour, salty, bitter, and umami” like Heinz’s is; rather, it is the epitome of basic. There is a ketchup flavor sure, but no depth of flavor. Heinz Ketchup has an umami flavor, something that is hard to find. It is an irresistible flavor that only a few could hope to achieve. The replacement ketchup doesn’t have that irresistibleness—it’s just there.

I wonder, where has our Heinz gone? Why has it been replaced by a shadow of its former self? Is this what students, faculty, and staff deserve? Other dining halls have felt this recession of ketchup as well, but what is causing this sudden change? If we have the small bottles in JJ’s, what’s stopping us from putting a big carton in Diana or even Hewitt?

This scarcity of Heinz worries me, just as it is worrying other students. If we don’t have Heinz, how will we eat our french fries correctly? Or even so, how will we enjoy our burgers or hot dogs? So many questions are filling my brain and none of them are able to be answered. 

There is a reason Heinz Ketchup became so popular and why it deserves to be an option to enjoy with our dining hall meals. All dining halls deserve Heinz Ketchup. The whole Columbia community deserves Heinz Ketchup. As midterm season comes to a close, and final season is to start, one could only hope they start their day off right with the only valid ketchup. So, I am asking this: please replace the replacement ketchups with a good ketchup. Replace it with something that has a distinct flavor that few could dream to match. Replace it with the epitome of ketchup.

Replace it with Heinz Ketchup.

Replacement Ketchup Image via Bwog Staff