Apparently, Ivy League does not mean “aware of bathroom etiquette.”

Dearest first-year Barnard baddies,

We hope this semester is going well for you. We know it’s been quite an adjustment for all of us, but we hope that you’re starting to settle into a routine and are getting more comfortable. That being said, there is something we feel we must bring up to all of you—it has gone too far for too long. We’re in a unique situation where we get to go to both an Ivy League and the country’s premiere historically women’s college, so you’d think that would mean that we could take care of our bathrooms. However, as evidence has so aggressively shown, that is not the case whatsoever. We love you all and we mean this in the most respectful way possible, but honestly someone must address it. The state of the bathrooms can only be described as blatantly anti-feminist.  

Respectfully, did no one teach you all manners? If the answer to this question is no, we are happy to provide a basic guidebook for bathroom etiquette. It is as follows:

BATHROOMS 101

1. A good rule of thumb is that if you make a mess, you should probably clean it up. You left a small animal’s worth of hair on the walls of the shower after washing your hair? It is probably a good idea to take that down and throw it away. And please, for the love of god, don’t make shapes out of it on the walls. That’s not the cute message to your peers you think it is.
2. You know the little knob thing that sticks out from the side of the toilet? Believe it or not, that’s actually not just for decoration! If you push down on it, it’ll do this magical thing called flushing the toilet. So try it out! It’s incredibly simple and makes the life of the person going to the bathroom after you significantly less disgusting! Bonus points if you push it twice because it didn’t fully flush the first time.
3. We know going #2 in public bathrooms is hard. We all have to do it! However, if you have a shit attack in a communal bathroom (specifically Brooks 7, from personal experience), let someone know so it can get cleaned up. Leaving shit on the actual ground of a bathroom stall is generally frowned upon. Also, Primary Care Health Services are free to you and located on the first floor of Brooks. Maybe make an appointment.
4. The thing about communal bathrooms is that they’re inherently public. Therefore, they may not be the best place to take sensitive, personal phone calls. If you want to have phone sex with your long-distance partner, that is totally your prerogative (you go, girl). But a shower in Sulz probably isn’t the prime location for such an activity. You have to argue with your mom over the phone? I can’t imagine that sitting on a toilet is an ideal space for such a heated conversation.
   • This also applies to the gender neutral bathrooms—we are all for doing what you want with your body, but please be aware of the fact that the walls aren’t really that thick and we can hear everything you moan to your Columbia boyfriend. 
5. If you feel the need to flush your tampons, please be sure to carry through with this action. No one wants to lift the lid of a toilet seat and see the contents of your uterus sitting in the toilet. 

We genuinely hope that you take all of these points and apply them to your bathroom proceedings. We all came to Barnard partly because we are passionate about equity and fairness—why shouldn’t we expand this to our bathroom behavior? Let’s band together and make some bold, beautiful bathrooms. 

Sincerely on our final straws,

Your fellow first-years

Bathroom via Bwog Archives