To those who bought the same pair of jeans in three different washes, this is for you.

It’s Halloweekend, and I am without anything to wear. I mean, I have clothes. Jeans, sweaters, and jackets pilfered from my mother’s closet. But I have no costume. I try to be creative most years, find something “niche” and “different” that no one else would be, but everyone has Pinterest and is therefore not original. Either way, I don’t have the bedazzled skirts, ruffled corsets, brightly colored pants, or glittery hair accessories. If you were to color-match every article of clothing in my wardrobe and mix it together like those cans of paint at Home Depot, you’d get some greyish-blueish concoction. Plus, I hate shopping. What I’m saying is that any last-minute costumes will have to be derived from a strikingly un-Halloween closet. 

But fear not, for I have had the foresight this year to think (a little bit) ahead.

For my fellow Costume From The Closet-ers, here are some possible outfits for this year’s festivities! (sexiness not guaranteed)

Librarian – Ah, yes. Why not be comfortable AND dressed up? Throw on the sweater you found in a box in the basement, add a frumpy skirt or baggy khakis, perhaps a pair of wire-rimmed glasses with the chain attached, and voila! Carry around a selection of literature to suggest to partygoers. Host a story time to trick or treaters. Maybe someone will find their autumn read! 

Vaguely Vampire – Dress in all black. Done. Easy. You know how many black sweaters, tops, pants, and shoes I own? Maybe too many. But apply some carefully placed “blood” (red lipstick or paint, whatever you choose), and now you have transformed into Dracula himself (if Dracula’s closet were selected by a teenager). 

The Wild Kratts – Was anyone else a public television kid? I was! Rejoice, because this costume will revive all the animal facts you gathered while watching the Kratt brothers demonstrate the hunting habits of an Arctic Fox. This costume is also great for the duos out there. Green and blue, blue and green; pull out the little boy fit, find some ill-fitting shorts and a blue or green finance-bro fleece, force a friend to wear it, and strut around town. Perhaps you shock some of your peers with well-timed sloth facts!

Sock Puppeteer – I’m pretty sure you have a missing sock, a poor little single sock whose partner got lost in the laundry. I have one currently sitting on my desk, useless. Well, now we can give this sock a purpose! Draw on some eyes and a mouth. Maybe give your sock buddy an expression of shock or anger. Throw in some Halloween gore, just for fun. Once again, don your everyday monochromatic getup, and bring your sock puppet to life! Mime out some Shakespeare or do a rendition of a Broadway musical. Halloweekend and a sock puppet are quite literally at your fingertips! 

The Closed Gates – Like many of you, the recent gate closures have been a source of frustration and extreme speed walking. To pull off this costume, dress in the greys and blacks of wrought iron. Maybe paint some vertical stripes on the face to appear even more gate-like. When you’re out in about, just don’t move out of the way! Be a nuisance! Be a roadblock! Force people to walk around you! Spread your arms out for a more realistic effect, squarely planting your feet to prevent them from swinging open to provide space as most gates are supposed to. 

Someone’s Google Calendar – This might require more colors than what you might usually choose to go outside in. Search deep within your (shallow) closet for articles of clothing dyed in the distinct light blues, magentas, pale greens, and deep indigos that hold so many lives together. Layer them, the colors overlapping like too many of the calendars I’ve seen from the back of classrooms. You can personalize this too by selecting colors you use in your own Google calendar!

Boring Closet via Flickr