Low doesn’t have that many steps for no reason.

While one might think that keeping up with health and fitness in college is difficult, Barnumbia is actually a wellness utopia if you know where to look. In the season of springtime, we encourage you, dear reader, to open your mind and heart to our humble advice. Without further ado, here is the ultimate, proven for success, step-by-step guide on How To: Be an Aspiring Wellness Girlie at Barnumbia! Sit back, relax, and get a shot of ginger turmeric. 

Walk up and down Low steps for the Stairmaster experience: Up and down, up and down, up and down – Low steps are a challenge to even the most built body-builder. Conquer this feat, and gain an extra decade of youth (or get a decade closer to youth, who knows?) 

Diana smoothies for every meal: Get your greens and fruits in! A Diana smoothie, which is definitely not just apple juice and fake fruit, is sure to cure even the most abominable sickness (or maybe it’s the cause, but we are glass-half-full people). To ensure that you have plenty of natural energy, get a vitamin-packed beverage!

Gates closed = step goal accomplished: Go to 117 cross-gates, then skip down to Lerner, then stomp to the back of John Jay, and end up at 116 College Walk (which is an entirely different navigational workout). Instead of running the Dodge track and staring at that damn concrete wall for minutes on end, go on this super fun stroll! Better yet, get in some upper body strength-work, and scale the gates <3 

Get a bagel at Nuss, because self-care is a form of health: Cinnamon raisin, pumpernickel, plain—doesn’t matter, any kind of bagel will do.

Fight for your life on a Citi bike instead of the subway: Everyone in this city knows that you’re more likely to get hit by a delivery biker than a car, so if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! Biking is great for fitness, mental clarity, and practicing getting your body into fight-or-flight in preparation for exam season. 

Spend $7 on a shitty latte at Blue Java in Butler to preserve your mental health (it’s a treat, you deserve it): Sometimes the last defense for your mental sanity is an overpriced latte. Will it tank your bank account? Absolutely. But will it provide you the last bit of inspiration you need to sit down in the library and finish your problem sets and midterm papers? Absolutely.

Wait those 10 painstaking minutes at the water bottle filling station for the piss stream of water to fill up your bottle: Hydrate or diedrate! Whether you use a Stanley, Hydroflask, Owala, or Nalgene, there is no excuse for not drinking enough water. We know that the water bottle fillers on campus have absolutely zero water pressure, but put your trust in Barnumbia to give you that hydrated glow! 

Do laps in penis fountain or swim in Uris pool for some low-intensity cardio: Columbia’s penis fountain is already famous, so why not make history by jumping in to do a few hundred meters of laps! Freestyle, breaststroke, you name it. Another option is Uris pool, which is delightfully humid and very public.

Do squats in the mailroom line: We all know the pain of the post-class mailroom line after a long day. To make this wait more bearable and wellness-focused, pull out some squats while you wait for your Amazon package! You could even get crazy with some lunges, a plank, or some pushups. The world (bodyweight exercises) is your oyster.

Take a nap in Butler: After you have completed this thoroughly exhaustive strength and cardio routine, rest and recover. In Butler, after climbing your final set of stairs and walking one final lap, find a nice comfortable wooden chair; lay your head down on the cold, rock-solid desk, and snooze. Make sure you set an alarm that every other person in the reading room will be able to hear.

If you are not in tip-top fitness and basking in wellness after completing these activities, then we can’t help you any further. Hope this helps!! <3 ;)

Yoga via Bwarchives