I mean I already wasn’t attracted to men and this certainly did not help their case.

Since school at Barnumbia began, I’ve heard quite a few bone-chilling tales of the straight sex my friends have engaged in. I never really imagined what straight sex would entail, but I did think that maybe my friend’s two-year-long relationship would have led to an eventual orgasm. That was not the case. So, to share their tragedies, here are a few of my favorite anecdotes I’ve heard so far. 

I can’t claim I’m a sex expert, but foreplay seems like a pretty standard act during sex, yet my friend’s boyfriend engaged in the worst foreplay (and sometimes no foreplay at all) one could imagine. With a mixture of flexed hand breast massaging and sloppy kisses that never left her mouth, I felt thoroughly disturbed for her. I mean, honestly, how did he even think she would get turned on by such a monstrosity in foreplay. 

“On a good day, he lasted four seconds.” FOUR SECONDS. I’m scared. I mean, did he just pull out right away? I’m confused. There’s no way he finished and thought, “Wow, best sex she has ever had.” I mean, four seconds and, most likely, another case of bad foreplay is just a clear formula for despair. I thought a quick round would be a good 15, and yet this man seems to have been trying to set a new world record for the quickest sex anyone has ever engaged in. It’s quite pathetic. Clearly, a big dick does not equal a big brain. 

The next experience seems to be quite a common one. Now, I personally never had problems with the clips on the back of my bra, but it seems to be a feat of rocket science for these men. Fumbling around with the bra strap for two minutes straight is not only an instant vibe killer but also a tad upsetting. I do not know if a WikiHow on how to unclip a bra strap exists, but it might be quite useful for some of these men. Also, if it is taking more than ten seconds, just ask her to do it for you. Save some face, please.

Lastly, my dear friend’s ex-boyfriend used to become so excited at the prospect of having sex that he would perform his own version of “All That Jazz,” looking like he was about “to fly away” with excitement. This is even funnier because he also never made her “blast off” (her term for an orgasm), which seems to be another super common occurrence amongst my friends. So, while her ex-boyfriend was ready to fly away with the prospect of an orgasm, my friend was preparing to lay there and stay firmly on land. Free her! 

So, despite my lack of love life (please send help), I can feel some sort of happiness that I have never had to experience any of these tragic sexual encounters. I do love a good story though, so I hope my friends keep them coming (cause their boyfriends definitely won’t make them come any time soon)!

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