Disclaimer: Don’t actually do this please!

It’s hard out here. There are so many qualified students and many of them will do whatever it takes to get the most desirable campus job. So I decided to put together a handy-dandy guide so you can secure the campus job of your dreams!

  • Email your possible employer. Never underestimate the power of sending a kind and well-worded email! You can even include your resume if you’re feeling frisky.
  • Visit them in person. Showing up to their office can be helpful so they put a face to the name. 
  • Attend all the events hosted by them or their office/department.
  • Get one of your friends to attend these events with you and talk loudly about how qualified you are to work there.
  • Leave copies of your resume scattered around their office. Maybe even stick some to the ceiling!
  • We all love the Diana smoothies, right? Buy a bunch and leave them in your possible employer’s office. I’m sure by the time they get them they will be the perfect level of congealed. 
  • Hack into Workday, post a job application for the job you want, and fill it out. They won’t know the difference! 
  • Crawl into the air ducts above your their office. Spend the next week whispering your name through the vents. Subliminal messaging never hurt anyone!
  • Start a food fight in Hewitt. This has nothing to do with getting a job I just think it would be funny.
  • If you’ve done steps 1-9 and still no luck, it’s time to pull out the big guns. First, you must craft a hyperrealistic mask of Barnard President Laura Ann Rosenbury (or whoever the current Columbia president is.) Then comes the wig. The outfit. Now you must take vocal training lessons for no less than 3 months to perfect her voice. Once you have completed these essential steps you are going to go to your possible employee’s office and very kindly explain that if they don’t give (insert your name here) a job there will be major consequences. 

Congrats on your new job working in the mailroom! Hope it was worth the identity theft charges <3

Header via Bwog Archives