I genuinely cannot stop thinking about this show. I’m obsessed.

I love Yellowjackets so much. Every time I listen to a song (ANY song) I imagine an edit in my head… I actually can’t stop thinking about it. So, in order to productively channel my obsession, I decided to turn it into content. I’m going to try to keep this as spoiler-free as possible, but proceed with caution if you’re still in the midst of watching.

Hewitt: Shauna

Starting off strong with my heart and soul, Shauna Shipman. I don’t care what anyone says! I am a Shauna defender until I die! She does have moments that make me… question her choices… to say the very least, which is why I assigned her to Hewitt. For the most part, Hewitt is a solid dining option. It has lots of variety, consistently decent fresh(ish) food, even a soft serve machine. Every now and then, though, I walk in and feel that something is… off. I don’t know if it’s the sweaty male athletes or the Pepsi product soda machine, but the energy just feels kinda weird in there sometimes. No sweat! They are both still icons in my book.

Diana: Akilah

Oh my sweet Akilah, I just had to give you to Diana. I mean Diana, the Greek goddess of wild animals and the hunt, it just had to be you. Akilah is arguably the gentlest soul out of the bunch, and it is evidenced by her passion for animals out in the wilderness. Also, I know she would tear up a green smoothie in the mornings. I love you Akilah, please stay strong for me out there, okay???

Ferris: Taissa

To put it frankly, Taissa has… two sides to her. One loves soccer, her friends, and being smarter than everyone else, and the other loves, erm, eating dirt. For this reason, I assign sweet, terrifying Tai to Ferris Booth. To me, Ferris is about as hit-or-miss as it gets. The dessert section is beautiful and that cheesy garlic bread they have is a 10/10, but that dining hall is NOT consistent. It is either perfectly delicious or borderline inedible. It’s almost like there’s two Ferris Booths… regular Ferris and “other” Ferris, maybe. Just like someone else I know.

John Jay: Misty

Misty freaking Quigly oh my god she HAS to be John Jay. She just does it all! Sure, she’s a little weird. She’s made some bad choices, but haven’t we all?? In the end, you can’t convince me that she doesn’t have WAY more power and control in the wilderness than anyone gives her credit for. She wears a million different hats out there, and she always manages to get the job done. Like Misty, John Jay has it all, and it is consistently solid. It’s probably my favorite dining hall, so I had to assign it my favorite character–in the adult timeline at least. 

JJs: Javi

Oh poor, sweet Javi. You deserve endless dino nugget nights and oreo-topped milkshakes. No further comment.

Chef Mike’s: Van

Van! Definitely in my top three characters, she is one of the Yellowjackets with the absolute most heart. Because of this, I just KNOW Van would have a major appreciation for the Chef Mike’s Grandma lore. I also think she would love the consistency of being able to make her favorite sandwich whenever she feels like it. Love you Van. LOVE YOU!

Chef Don’s: Travis

Chef Don’s is definitely the biggest outsider in the grand scheme of Barnumbia dining halls. I know upperclassmen who still have no idea where it’s even located, or what they even serve. Chef Don’s is a lot like Travis, in this sense. The only teenage boy in the group other than his little brother, he’s definitely on the outs. I still love him though! Just like I still love Chef Don’s pizza, despite the location’s overall strangeness.

Grace Dodge: Lottie

Oh Lottie. Beautiful, scary Lottie, you ARE Grace Dodge. Elegant yet distant, they are two of my favorites. I think Lottie would enjoy the range of food offered at Grace Dodge. Its salad bar is unbeatable and I really think she would vibe with it.

Faculty House: Natalie

The best of the Yellowjackets on every level, Natalie is as kind as she is strong. In my opinion, she does the best job of hanging onto her sanity in the wilderness, and she plays an integral role in keeping the girls alive out there. She is royalty in my heart, and she deserves to be assigned to the dining hall with the best quality food. Just like Faculty House, I only wish we got to see more of her. I would totally watch a show about her life both before and after the crash, just like I would eat at Faculty House way more often if it was actually open more than three days a week.

Johnny’s: Melissa

Who even is Melissa??? What even is Johnny’s??? Why did they both randomly become relevant???? To be honest, I still haven’t even tried the food at Johnny’s… I don’t even know what they serve. It’s very mysterious, the same way Melissa is to me. What are her intentions?? Who actually eats Johnny’s?? All questions I am eager to know the answer to.

Fac Shack: Gen

I’m going to talk my shit here. Irrelevant and annoying, Gen is Fac Shack. Yet again, who are you?? Where did you come from?? And why is it that every time I see you I get annoyed. It’s the same way I feel when I think about the one time I ate Fac Shack. IT WAS BAD! I’M A HATER!