The Bwacchanal Headliner has been removed. And the Bwoard of Trustees is prepped to takeover.

Dare Boatman paced back and forth in her office. Bwacchanal was tomorrow, the biggest day of the year for undergraduates, but something was off.

Suddenly, her phone pinged. 

“BWACCHANAL HEADLINER DISSES GOVERNMENT ON PRIVATE ZOOM CALL”

Her jaw dropped. How could the nasty girl do this to her? Worried, she immediately called in the rest of the Bwoard of Trustees. 

“She clearly did not understand the serious challenges facing our community. This unexpected solo completely disregarded the investment of ourselves–I mean our students.” Dave Bluewald remarked, shaking his head in disdain. 

Yay Johndad agreed, “There was a callous disregard for the treatment of us–uh, our stakeholders–when she shared her thoughts.”

The Bwoard seemed to know what to do. 

One phone call later, the Bwacchanal Headliner stepped down. Dare Boatman was appointed Acting Bwacchanal Headliner.

Students only received the news Saturday morning. Chaos erupted on campus Saturday morning as students awoke to the news that the scheduled headliner had stepped down. Or rather–been quietly trustee’d to leave.

Rumors spread like spilled yerba mate on the steps of Low. No official comment was made by the Bwoard of why she stepped down, but everyone knew enough.

But all would be okay–the Bwoard had stayed up all night preparing their setlist. 

As students awaited their set, Bworgs in hand, the Bwoard of Trustees eagerly gave themselves a pep talk. Announced as the Dare and the Compliers, they finally took the stage.

The band launched into their opening number with an energy that can only be described as “strictly regulated.” 

Boatman’s voice rang out as she strummed the first notes of “Hearing, Trying, and Launching the Vibes,” a somber but upbeat anthem inspired by Columbia. Bluewald added backing vocals and strummed his guitar behind his podium labeled with a plaque “Enforcing Our Own Rules.” 

“Why Can’t We Be Friends” was next. Altered with lyrics from an older song “What We Owe Each Other,” the song was completed with a dramatic bridge spoken by Francis LeHonest, sharing tweets which made fun of students who protested against the government. 

The crowd shifted uncomfortably as they were sobering up from the hours they’ve spent away from their Borg. One student tried to hit his vape, which was promptly confiscated by the police on campus. Another student tried to boo the band, where she was then escorted swiftly out of the pit.

Boatman hit the chorus, “I didn’t ask to headline, but I did come to lead / I got a full inbox, and I’m ready to lead,” and the crowd slowly started to exit the pit, drawn by the sound of a distant thumping bassline. 

As students left, word started to spread.

 “STUDENT GROUPS ROCK BWACCHANAL.”

As the Bwoard got entangled in their songs, they turned to face empty fields with only Bworgs in their place. 

The vibes were on the move, and somewhere secret on campus, a crowd was gathering, waiting for the beat Columbia tried to bury.

Bwoard Band via Angela Tang