these bwoggers! They’re trying to murder me! -Laura Rosenbury, probably

We open on a beach… a beach just like any other beach, except people are screaming and running from the water. Oh, and also, it’s Brighton Beach. We zoom in on one unlucky extra, they scream “Help! Someone call an ambulance!” Someone has drowned at The White Lotus, Brooklyn Resort. But… who?

We flash back to a week before. Three separate Black SUVS pull up to the newly installed Brighton Beach White Lotus Resort (a new location in a less desirable area, for they are having some budget cuts due to people continuing to die on their properties). Out of one SUV hops Laura Rosenbury, president of Barnard College, and her dear friend Leslie Grinage. After a tough few weeks of fraternizing with the NYPD and forcing students to unmask at the gates, these gals need a break and a few margs. They are in “vacation mode”… though they couldn’t travel far as they are using Barnard’s funds for this “work trip.” And those funds… well they basically don’t exist. So Brooklyn here they come!

Out of the next SUV saunters out the Clinton family. That’s right folks, Bill and Hill are back on the prowl! They’re looking for a third to spice up their relationship and YOU could be the lucky winner if only you booked a stay at The White Lotus! For real, though, their relationships counselor referred them to a vacation together to try and heal their always dying marriage. However, Hillary has an obligation to Columbia University: to teach her class on not sending emails from a personal account inside the situation room! She needs to be as close to campus as possible in case disaster strikes and Columbia calls on her to be the next, next, next interim president. So, Brooklyn here they come!

And finally, the guests of honor have arrived at the resort. A heel stomps down from the car, a hand reaches out to let her come through… it’s world-renowned Slither.io champion Claire Shipman. And with her, carrying all of her bags and licking upon her boots, is Dean Sorrett (sweating from his futile attempts to get her validation the entire car ride). Claire whips off her sunglasses, looks around, and nods. This is the perfect place to work on her master plan.

The six are led into the lobby of the hotel by a bellhop. Jazz piano music plays from the corner, and as they all turn to see who could be providing such ambiance, they lock eyes with none other than Katrina Armstrong at the bench of the piano. That’s right, after her term as interim president and her possible sabbatical announcement, Armstrong has taken to a quieter part of the city to do what she does best: use her fingers to type out meaningless emails- I mean, play the piano. She nods to acknowledge them, and Claire hides behind her sunglasses. The crew immediately turns around, only to be met with more surprises.

There, standing in front of them, are the managers of the hotel. They are calm, collected, and have dealt with us this Barnard and Columbia BS before. They gift each guest a welcome drink wordlessly, and then, as they step back to check them in, we see the faces of these managers. “Hello, and welcome to the White Lotus Brooklyn.” say Sian Beilock and Lee Bollinger in unison, smirks creeping up their faces, as the six people in front of them are left gagged. End of episode one.

Tune in later for more of The White Lotus: Brooklyn. Only on Bwog.

Image via Author and Google Images