It’s like the Hunger Games, but way more awkward.

So, as we all know, Columbia has been playing games with its admittance rate. For some reason, they think that they can let one million freshmen in every year and somehow everyone will still be able to find a seat in Butler! Still be able to settle in for a meal at John Jay! But boy oh boy, that could not be further from the reality. Finding an open table at John Jay during peak dinner rush is maybe one of the most annoying things in the world, and it requires some lowkey weird and off-putting behavior. But it’s not impossible. Learn from me, a girl with a codependent friend group that ate dinner in John Jay almost every night freshman year when we had our ridiculously expensive mandatory meal plan. Trust, I know what’s up. I will provide you a step-by-step guide to finding a seat for you and your five friends at 7 pm in John Jay Dining Hall.

Step One: Split up. Decide whether you want to sit in the front room (better vibes, but the long/round tables make group conversations hard) or the back room (fewer spots, but generally quieter and easier to get a table all for yourself. Also access to the ice cream stand!) and divide and conquer. My friends and I pretty consistently went for the back room, so three of us would begin the hunt for a table while the other three started getting their food.

Step Two: Set your attitude. One thing I learned is that if you pretend like you don’t actually want the table, it’ll come to you. Feign some nonchalance. Trust me. It’s important.

Step Three: Spread out, and keep your eyes open. Put one person in the front of the room and two in the back, or have each take a corner. This part doesn’t matter as much, just make sure you’ve got eyes on as much of the room as possible.

Step Four: Take a look at people’s plates, and pick out a few groups who look close to done. If their plates look empty, they should be getting up soon. Watch them, and get close (but not too close) if you are able to. If they start to get up, make your way over.

Step Five: Ask to take their table before someone beats you to it. This part is more symbolic, but it’s arguably the most important step of all. If the people sitting at the table first tell you that you can have it, you’ve done it. Lay your claim as quickly as possible by putting your shit down, even if the other people haven’t left yet. Who the hell cares. You own that bitch now.

Step Six: Lavish in your success while eating your mediocre bao buns or those weird mussels they always have. Enjoy. You’ve earned it.

Image via Bwarchives