Modern Mullet flip it around Wet Willy…

Observations on a young gentleman with my roommate’s last name, a mullet, one night in the city and a dream.

Upstate angsty goof

Brings no toothbrush only Zyns

Socks and slides…at bar??  <3

It’s 7:35 pm at Grand Central, and my roommate and I are waiting by the subway entrance for our incoming guest. We receive a text: Mullet is off the train but cannot find us, even though my roommate gave very clear instructions. #WeaponizedIncompetenceBrother. If the animals in Madagascar could navigate Grand Central, then why couldn’t this supposedly civilized human being.

Suddenly, my roommate says she has eyes on him, but I have yet to spot the target. Out of nowhere I see a flash of mullet but it isn’t him; it is a rogue investment banker. Another mullet bobs its way toward us. First I notice the business in the front, but the party in the back confirms it: this is who we have been waiting for. 

As his angsty aura loomed closer, I realized how much he stood out. In a sea of city fashion, I saw a jolly high school senior boy with a slight upstate pep in his step, clad in what I’ll generously call a very comfortable airport outfit. Dressed in a black cotton t-shirt and ankle-cuffed Comfrt sweats, the worst part was yet to be revealed. As the crowd between us became more sparse, I caught a glimpse of his choice of footwear: white Nike Dri-Fit socks and charcoal colored Yeezy slides. Yeezy slides. Completely optional btw. 

Before I continue, I would like to make it clear that our plan was to go out to a bar that night, and therefore one would expect a person who is attending this outing to pack accordingly… 

Cool guy here brought only the clothes on his back. So Mr. Yeezys McTight-Mullet thought that there was no problem in attempting to use his fake ID claiming to be 22 whilst looking like he just gave a nerd a wet willy and stuffed him in a locker. 

~intermission for a brief inventory tour~

Bro gave us a show-and-tell of his inventory while we ate dinner→ 

• Externally visible: clothes on back and black hoodie draped over his forearm
• In Comfrt cuffed sweatpants pockets: 
  • Left→ portable charger, phone, airpods
  • Right→ very strong Zyns, gum, and a bit of loose change 

***Note the absence of a toothbrush, any other hygiene products, pajamas, phone charger, shoes you can actually wear to a bar, clothes you should wear to a bar, his glasses or contacts, and a bag…

Knowing he stood no chance in the outfit he was wearing, we inquired about borrowing a pair of shoes from a friend. Thankfully, he obliged, saving Calm Guy from the bouncer rejection that he was asking for with that shoe choice. 

After a saunter to the store for liquid inventory better known as Cutwater, we made our way back to the dorm when my roommate’s brother boastfully claimed to know the way home, and then incorrectly predicted our path. The rest of our walk was pretty calm, with only one more disruption, when Mr. Know-it-all accidentally turned right three blocks early. We got ready, pregamed a tad, beefed over aux [only Burst Fade Mullet and I were involved in the quarrel, but it was resolved promptly because his music taste was bad and someone took his phone] and then we were ready to go!

During our long ride on the subway, the 3 of us and our other friend played Contact, a word guessing and association game and it was genuinely a lot of fun. I highly recommend. 

Many transfers, a bathroom break at a burger joint and a never-ending walk later, we arrived at our destination. Unfortunately, both siblings had the same idea of using their real address and last name for their identification, but one was from Pennsylvania and the other Connecticut, so we had to strategically distance the siblings in line. Chungus Mullet and I got in first and vibed until the rest of the group got in. A friend of a friend from New Jersey also joined us in the bar and our group count of zero Rutgers alumni was upgraded to one!

Mullet’s dance move log for Umbrella by Rihanna:

• He began with a move reminiscent of Thriller, but if you were to cycle your hands as if you were pushing bike pedals directly in front of you.
• He proceeds to hit a double frat flick. 
• Then transitioned into a stylistic chin-up pull-down thrust motion. 
• Then into a classic single frat flick.
• Finally, as the chorus began he hit a PR for aura. His hands got higher and higher until he was hitting a sloppy version of fifth position hands. For those of you who don’t have your fingers on the pulse of niche ballet moves, it was almost like the YMCA arm moves if YMCA had an O in it and you only did the O. It was quite effective because everyone knew that he knew what an umbrella looked like and that you are supposed to put it above your head. 

While at the bar giggle farming, I feel a tap on my shoulder and my roommate urgently informs me that our friend from Rutgers passed out. Legend has it that Burst Fade Calm Guy’s extra strength Zyn was too much for Rutgers and he hinged backwards to the floor like a singular domino. With a big slam he was down and everyone nearby hesitantly leaned in to see if he was alright. Like the Wicked Witch of the West, all that was observably left of him were his feet, perpendicular to the floor and tensed, an echo of what once was. 

Thankfully, we had our big strong high schooler to help carry him out. After a breather and some water, our New Jersey friend was alright again.

Modern Mullet found a cig on a sticky dumpster lid outside one bar. He shrugged and said “I hope this doesn’t have anything” and asked for a light. I am still unclear if he was fleetingly concerned about a saliva-transmitted std of sorts, unexpected additional drugs, or both, but that worry left the second that Rutgers tossed him a lighter. My roommate, his older sister and keeper for the night, tried her best to wrangle him into not smoking the filthy cig of mystery, but alas she was no match for this offensive lineman. Classically, she pulled his hair in an attempt to make him stop but a cop perceived it as unnecessary roughness without context. She stopped immediately when they flashed their lights and blipped their siren at her as a warning. She was no match for the boys in blue too unfortunately.

We tried to reenter the previous bar, but our youngster was immediately turned away. After trying another, the same happened. Disappointed but hungry, we soon found ourselves at the corn dog store.

I was unwilling to spend that much money on a corn dog, so we stopped for pizza and wandered until we found an empty church stoop where the five of us chatted for over an hour. I knew Comfrt Lad was getting sleepy because he was silently on the bottom step gazing off into the distance. The Second Coming of Aristotle only halted his aura farming once so that he could get a new Zyn and readjust to look more moody and performatively mysterious. We soon called it a night and headed back to campus.

Once we were back at the dorm, Wet Willy (aka Modern Mullet) immediately collapsed into the air mattress. At first I was concerned because he hadn’t gotten ready for bed AT ALL, but then I remembered that he was already wearing his pajamas. #twothingscanbetrueatonce. And no need for oral hygiene when you have been brushing with Zyns and using “i promise this beer is actually really good” mouthwash all night. Before I could think of another reason why I was disgusted by his swift bedtime, he was hitting those delta waves and lightly snoring. 

That night I was shown that sleep talking is definitely genetic; like brother, like sister, I guess. For context, my roommate sometimes talks in her sleep and so did our visitor that night. It was quite frightening hearing a man’s voice. On an unrelated note, it was super scary hearing him sleep talk. I was all cozy in my blankets and completely forgot that Grey Yeezy was in the room with us and I heard a booming voice that jolted me awake. I quickly remembered that we had a mulleted guest. The fear subsided and I drifted back to sleep.

With a Sunday football practice scheduled, our silly friend had to leave at 8 in the morning. 

He kept his opinion of the night locked down to keep his nonchalant facade, but I just know that his group chat message read something like: “guys!…last night was a movie! <3 see you soon at our football team practice! xoxo your best friend <3”

And just like that…as quickly and suavely as he arrived, he was gone. 

A modern mullet lost is a merry memory gained.

In all seriousness, I had a lot of fun and was glad that he finally was able to make the trip to the city to visit us. Come back soon Mr.GoofyModernMulletYeezysMcTight-MulletBroCalmGuyKnow-it-allBurstFadeMulletChungusComfrtLadSecondComingofAristotle! It was very entertaining having you.

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