Welcome, families! We assure you that Columbia is always like this.

Ahhhh, Family Weekend: those three days where you frantically use your storage ottomans to hide your booze, make up three extra-curriculars that take up your Friday nights, and pointedly ignore your friends who shout “Beta tonight?!!?” in front of your parents. Sometimes, though, the dangers are too risky and extreme measures need to be taken to keep your family away from Morningside Heights. Not to mention the fact that it’s Homecoming and we don’t think your parents will appreciate the batch of margaritas you’ve made in your tea thermos. When all else fails, try these fail-safe lines so you can enjoy your weekend of debauchery in peace.

• “Too many people will be here. Just come on a less crowded weekend.” (Legitimate excuse for restaurants and hotels)
• “Neither you nor I like football. And Columbia kinda sucks. It’ll just be sad.” (And by this, Bwog means that you’ll definitely need alcohol to get through that football game. It’s unclear whether Mom & Dad will be fine with the flask of whiskey in your sweatshirt pocket.)
• “No parents really come to family weekend.” (This isn’t elementary school. It’s not like they can “check up” with other parents.)
• “I’ll be studying for midterms all weekend, anyway.” (At least you can stream the game from Butler.)
• “Mom, but…football…”
• Tell them to come the week after. And then never talk to them again. (Not a good idea if they’re paying for your tuition.)
• “You won’t be able to see what Columbia is really like because they know you’re coming.” (Anyone else notice that the food in Ferris was inexplicably better today?)
• “Do you really want to hear about the mechanical role of the cervix during pregnancy?”

The Old Lie via Kevin Chen