The whole shebang.

Once again, exams have begun, but not before the Columbia University Marching Band ruined all of our studying beforehand, like they do every year. Yes, last night was Orgo Night and Bwog was there. Here’s what we saw:

By 11AM the only seat left in Butler 209 was a wobbly one with no plug.  Twelve hours later, a few excited seniors were standing around the middle booths. By 11:20, the ledges under the windows were crowded, and by 11:30 there was no more air in the room, especially once people started giving out free Red Bull.

By the time the band walked in, that group of excited seniors had already gotten the room to sing “Roar, Lion, Roar” twice and “The Star Spangled Banner” once, and once more when the main event arrived. Their props were more egregious than usual; this time those included a purple rubber dildo on a stick and a cucumber wearing a condom which they used to repeatedly penetrate a toilet paper roll.

The MCs were Vicki and Evvie. They started with the same opening jokes as always, met with the usual laughter. Once SEAS students turned off their electric devices, GS students turned on their hearing aids, CC students set their phones to vibrate, and Barnard students set their vibrators to phone, they could begin for real.

First, they joked about world events in a Columbia context, like “Russia’s Manhattanvilification of Crimea” and “South Korea’s failed swim test.”

Predictably, it wasn’t long before SombreroGate got some love, with the band citing Greek life’s “tradition of stealing other people’s traditions,” since none of those kids yelling “Toga! Toga!” were actually Greek. They explained how the costumes were culturally appropriate:  JAPS were dressed as japs, the Malaysian pregame never showed up, and Mexico brought mustaches, sombreros, and bricks of black tar heroin. Naturally, Chicano Caucus was offended since “only they are allowed to put sombreros on gringos.” All of this was pretty standard; until, that is, they said Theta girls were fast casual, like “Chipotlé” with the only difference being “what kind of taco you’re craving.” How classically Orgo Night; well-delivered and in tune with the opinions of the room, but closing with a bitingly offensive joke that leaves a bitter aftertaste.

Next up for the Orgo treatment was SJP’s banner scandal, with the band saying SJP and LionPAC entered Bwog comment territory, just like they have “every semester since the 1948 foundation of Israel.” The banner, which “looked like a George W. Bush finger painting,” angered LionPAC, who said the banner had “no right to exist, just like Palestine.” The band, definitely not bitter at all, compared this to their Gaza Strip poster last year. This segment, of course, wasn’t without gratuitously sexual groaners. These included mention of “the fight about whether uncircumcised man-meat is kosher,” and that once the SJP/LionPAC argument is over, the only time we’ll “hear about SJP beating a dead horse is when Sarah Jessica Parker jerks off her own corpse.”

The section devoted to Barnard’s class day speaker turned out to be one of the best segments of the show. The band reduced the opposition about Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood (“almost as triggering as a puddle of dead fetuses”), to a single student. Serendipitously, Kate Christensen, president of Columbia University Campus Republicans, was standing right next to them, and raised her hand. She continued making faces along with the show, and when the band said “it’s a miracle she hasn’t transferred out yet,” she answered, “You’re welcome!” To roaring laughter from the audience.

Trombone and dildo.

They went on at length about the disappointment of Spec staffers and papier-mâché artists everywhere, saying that the “‘Columbia Daily Spectator’ is now a name as misleading as ‘Columbia Advising.'” Reaction: loud chanting from the Spec table near the band. The Lion, which the band suspects “may just be written by the empty Roaree costume being slammed against a keyboard,” was not free from jokes about the “totally true story” about the Columbia male Gigolo. Reaction: two small yelps coming from the reserves corner of 209.

Campus politics was not exempted from the band’s program, since “Our “House of ‘Tards,” CCSC, had an election this year. The band then asked who voted, getting a small response from the audience. “Well, to those 10 of you who aren’t lying, I’m sure your roommate appreciated your support,” quipped Evvie. They voiced the frustrations of many CC students, joking “so many people maintained their positions it was like an orgy at Pompeii.” CUCR was the next target. Kate “Jesus H. Christ”ensen, still standing right there alternately groaned and laughed at the one-liners about the CUCR election scandal.

They were even brave (or foolish) enough to joke about the sexual assault controversy surrounding our campus this year. The band talked about how the administration finally recognized that solving this problem “isn’t a piece of cake… It’s a whole fucking cake.” The most oooooh’ed-at joke followed, when the band admitted that Columbia Dining could have been more offensive than this by distributing “gun control mini fig Newtowns.” Even No Red Tape, “the largest distributor of red tape on campus,” was a target: their participation at Days on Campus was deemed unnecessary since “Pike will show [incoming students] the ins and outs of sexual assault soon enough.”

Really, this was an Orgo Night like any other. Offensive jokes met sometimes with cheers and laughter, and other times with scandalized gasps. But it’s nice to have Orgo Night; after a semester of controversy, protest, and fighting, we can enjoy some debauchery in a crowded and uncomfortable room in Butler.