It isn’t called TRUTHs-giving, you guys.

We all know how it feels to be a bit… er… loose with our definition of “telling the truth” when nosy Aunt Madge asks all of those invasive questions during Thanksgiving dinner. Here’s a quick reference sheet that will help you translate your Fall-semester shenanigans into more family-friendly language before you head into the fire this Thursday.

Random relative: “What are your plans for after graduation?”
What you say: “I might join the Air Force.”
What you mean: “Your questions are giving me anxiety so I’m going to down this nice glass of wine and keep drinking until I start to believe that I can actually fly.”

Random relative: “How’s [underclassman from your high school who now goes to Columbia] doing?”
What you say: “They’re doing great! They seem to be making good friends.”
What you mean: “They got CAVA’d at a Carman party they invited me to during NSOP and I haven’t seen them since.”

Random relative: “Are you getting enough sleep?”
What you say: “I try to get 5 or 6 hours every night. It doesn’t always happen, if I have a lot of work, but I can usually catch up on weekends.”
What you mean: “Last week, I tried to pull an all-nighter to study for a test, but I accidentally fell asleep in Butler at 5am, slept until 11, and completely missed the class the test was in. And I somehow get less sleep on the weekends than I do during the week. College is cruel and merciless and I don’t think my sleep schedule will ever recover.”

Random relative: “So, are you seeing anyone?”
What you say: “I just got back from a spiritual retreat and I am on a romantic hiatus while I try to connect with my Superego.”
What you mean: “Tinder hasn’t been working out.”

Random relative: “What are you thinking of majoring in?”
What you say: “I’m not sure yet – everything’s so interesting, I can’t pick just one subject. Maybe I’ll double-major.”
What you mean: “I’ll probably major in procrastinating on my homework – it’s the only thing I’m good at.”

Random relative: “What classes are you taking?”
What you say: “Oh, mostly boring intro courses.”
What you mean: “I haven’t been to class in so long that I’m having trouble remembering the answer to your question. I’ve also had quite a lot to drink.”

Random relative: “Are you having fun?”
What you say: “Yeah, just last weekend I went to this fascinating art exhibit where all of the sculptures were made out of tin cans. It was a profound commentary on American consumerism and the chemicals that are slowly poisoning our bodies every day.”
What you mean: “1020.”

Random relative: “How’s the summer internship search going?”
What you say: “I’ve looked into a few things, but I haven’t applied yet – I want to make sure I only apply for internships I know I can really commit to and get a lot out of.”
What you mean: “Shit, I’m supposed to be thinking about summer internships already?!”

And a special one for all you Barnard girls:
Friends in sororities at state schools across the country: “So how do you meet boys?”
What you say: “In class! I mean, there are men all over Barnard’s campus.”
What you mean: “I no longer actively pursue interactions with men and that’s FUCKING FINE”

Now load up on stuffing and free toiletries, kiss your parents’ cheeks, and get the heck out of dodge. Happy Thanksgiving!

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