The best onion we’ve ever seen

Here’s some wisdom from the CU Sad Girl, Lucy Jakub. 

Name, School, Major, Hometown: Lucy, Columbia College, Nonfiction, Blue Hill, ME

Claim to fame: Co-founder of the Sad Girls Club, part-time frat anthropologist

Where are you going? Back to the woods

What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the Class of 2021?

1) I used to think it was annoying when people said they “did it for the story”. Now just about everything I do is for the story.

2) Don’t pick up furniture off the curb even if it doesn’t say BEDBUGS just turn away. If you do take home an infested item and put it right next to your bed, tell an actual adult, not the work study boy at the Hospitality Desk. Do continue to sleep in the bed even if it means being regularly eaten alive, or they will colonize other beds for their blood meal. Don’t take your clothing out of the trash bags. Don’t put wool in the dryer. Don’t put shiny books in the microwave. Don’t scratch the itch. Do make art out of your suffering.

3) There’s no such thing as an ironic lifestyle.

“Back in my day…” Ollie’s six dollar wonton soup was the elixir for all ills.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: Somebody has to write the definitive campus novel of our generation

What was your favorite class at Columbia? Traditions in Nonfiction with Mark Rozzo (Infuriate your friends, read The New Yorker for homework).

Oral sex or cheese? My boyfriend’s favorite snack is flaming hot cheetos soaked in lemonade spritzer. (Let’s give up both)

One thing to do before graduating? Finish editing my frat documentary

Any regrets? Spending so much time in Beta (there’s no such thing as an ironic lifestyle).

Chicken soup for the onion soul via Lucy