Winter has come to John Jay

Something’s up with the plumbing in John Jay. Staff writer Danielle Mikaelian opened her Rolodex of anonymous sources and did some good old-fashioned investigative reporting.

John Jay showers are hot and they’re cold
They’re yes and they’re no
They’re in and they’re out
Their temps up and down
They’re wrong, it isn’t right
It’s cold, no end in sight
We fight, we break up
Still haven’t made up
Your temp won’t stay stable, no
I really don’t want to go in, oh

John Jay residents have been warring with the elements for weeks, in a fierce struggle not unlike those seen on Avatar: The Last Airbender. Instead of having hot water in dorm showers, freshmen living in the dorm have found themselves in theoretical hot water as they’re lacking the real thing. As stated by a source,

“So on floor 14 of John Jay especially (but other floors have agreed w this sentiment) all of the showers are either locked (meaning the temp. key can’t get farther than midway) or the hottest setting gets lukewarm. It’s cold in the buildings and having cold/lukewarm water makes it difficult to get over colds.”

Personally, I believe this devastating change results from a bad breakup. Sick of having clumps of hair left in their drains, the building’s showers chose to dump residents…into water colder than the hearts of Econ majors. It is unclear when this disservice to personal health will be remedied. Despite shutting off the building’s water two weeks ago, facilities has failed to persuade the showers to abandon their emotional issues.

Feel like your advice can warm the cold hearts of the John Jay showers? Call Hospitality at 212-854-2779 to save the building’s residents from freezing before midterms…because we all want that.

Quotes from Residents

“A university whose union-busting president earns a salary of almost two and a half million should be able to afford some fucking hot water”

Carman resident: “2 bucks to shower in my room”
John Jay resident: “Why would I pay money to shower in Carman?”

“It’s pretty much an evil lottery at this point…sometimes you can get a decently hot shower, but you never know when”

“I was sick and all I wanted was a hot shower and Columbia’s billions apparently couldn’t make that happen”

“I didn’t come halfway across the world for a cold shower”

“I love it! I love the thrill of not knowing if I’m going to start my day off naked and shivering. It makes me feel alive!”

“Honestly…we just want hot water. Since so many people are going to Wallach to shower, you know something is up”

“When someone gets sick from showering in the freezing cold, then Columbia will be sorry. We’ve already had enough lawsuits”

“I’m really sad”

“My floor has been calling hospitality for weeks…still nothing”

“Wallach saved my life”

“Lee Bollinger…come heat my water your fucking self, you absolute coward”

“My girlfriend goes to Hopkins…guess I’ll take a hot shower there”

John Jay via Columbia Housing.