The Voyager Golden Records were sent up to space in the ’70s with important images and recordings to help any extraterrestrial life forms understand life on Earth. Bwog has input on what the aliens need to know.

The Voyager Golden Records are two phonograph records that were sent up to space in 1977 aboard both Voyager spacecrafts (according to Wikipedia). Voyager 1 is currently the farthest man-made object from Earth. The phonograph records can only be played and found if there the alien civilizations (that certainly exist) are properly advanced. Thus, they are absolutely integral to any human-alien communication.

The records sent up to space were loaded with important information. They contain 116 photographs (including a black-and-white diagram of human sex organs and photos of a crocodile, rush-hour traffic, and a sunset), greetings in over 50 languages, an hour-long recording of the brainwaves of a woman named Ann Druyan, music from various countries and genres, and much, much more.

Bwog, along with the creators of the podcast “Keeping Records” (which greatly inspired this article), does not believe this is a sufficient picture of humanity.

So, we’ve collected a long list of little things to add to the golden records, from our lifetime. We also decided on a list of things definitely not to include in the records, things the aliens should never ever know about human life.

Here’s what we came up with.

To add to the records:

Media the aliens must consume:

Foods they should get a taste of somehow:

  • Dunkin’ Donuts
  • Fig Newtons
  • Breadsticks
  • A Shirley Temple
  • Babybel cheese
  • Mentos (all the flavors: Mint, Spearmint, Fruit, Rainbow, Green Apple, and Cinnamon)
  • Good margherita pizza
  • White cheddar Cheezits
  • Pesto

People they would LOVE:

  • Theo James
  • Mitski
  • Lorde
  • TJ Holmes
  • Fred Armisen
  • Julia Fox
  • Princess Diana
  • Leonard Nemoy
  • Succession’s Cousin Greg and Tom Roy (he deserves the last name, guys, come on)

Moments and things that sum up the joy of humanity:

  • The Grammarly extension that edits as you type in Google Docs
  • Elementary school recorder concerts (essential rite of passage)
  • Nalgenes with lots of stickers
  • Mechanical pencils
  • Flash fiction
  • Mid-century Scandinavian furniture design
  • Lerner’s air hockey table
  • Tumblr
  • The color green
  • The smell of lavender
  • 24-hour convenience stores
  • Build-A-Bear Workshop
  • The invention of the airplane
  • Halal carts

To leave out:

Media that should NEVER be spoken about around the aliens:

  • TV show reboots (specifically How I Met Your Father, Girl Meets World, Gilmore Girls: A Year In The Life because they never finished it, and Gossip Girl)
  • Non-Taylor’s Version Taylor Swift albums
  • Wattpad and the After series (books and movies)
  • Rupi Kaur poetry
  • “See You Again” by Wiz Khalid ft. Charlie Puth
  • Love Island US
  • That one photo of Harry Styles in a pilgrim hat
  • The Care and Keeping of You (the American Girl doll anatomy book)
  • Lana Del Rey’s “Question for the Culture”
  • Game of Thrones

Foods they’d hate:

  • The “edible” paper on a Mcdonald’s ice cream cone
  • Reheated food that’s cold in the middle
  • Whatever the spiciest hot sauce on Hot Ones is
  • Poorly cooked frozen vegetables
  • Ranch dressing

People that just aren’t the best of us:

  • Olivia Wilde
  • Liam Payne
  • Aristotle
  • Gabbie Hanna
  • Rick Ross
  • Lin-Manuel Miranda
  • Bebe Rexha
  • King Charles III (formerly/better known as Prince Charles)
  • Chuck E. Cheese
  • Shakespeare
  • Liza Koshy
  • Amelia Bedelia
  • Watson and Crick

The worst moments and things on Earth:

  • Ticketmaster
  • Columbia’s 2022 Tree Lighting
  • Offshore drilling
  • Barnumbia’s first-year course registration
  • Black ice
  • Harry Styles’ acting era
  • All of PrezBo’s tenure
  • Insects
  • The gender binary and its products (gendered clothing, professions, sexuality, etc.)
  • Black Friday (not the sales, but the trampling people to death and it suddenly turning into “Cyber Week”)
  • Justin Bieber peeing in the mop bucket

P.S. “Keeping Records” was a wonderful podcast. To my knowledge, it is now over, but you should listen to/watch it. They even did TWO episodes with MUNA!

Voyager golden record via Flickr