The people have been waiting.

Oh, Barnumbia. We’ve heard your cries. You weep—of class registration, of the weather, of the sunset. Don’t worry, dears. Nikki and Tal, once again, are here to quell your woes.

Q: Class registration is tomorrow; how do I know if I’m choosing the right classes?

A: To aid you in your process of choosing the right classes, we’d like to point your attention towards this article. You should also take the hardest classes ever—make sure you’re getting your money’s worth you know. We recommend that your professors have the worst CULPA reviews!! If you’re not miserable are you even in college?! The goal of college should be to absolutely crush your spirit so once you join the ‘workforce’ (let’s be real, you’re going to be in academia for the rest of your life) you’re prepared for failure! It’s a simple mathematical formula :) 

Q: I’m going to be in the city for Thanksgiving break, how should I keep myself occupied?

A: Speaking from personal experience, I think it’s a great idea to pick up an intensive new hobby that usually takes years to master. Spend your break convincing yourself that you’re actually a prodigy and therefore will be able to become a master of said hobby in less than a week!! By the time you come to terms with the fact you will never be able to crochet that dress you saw on the Free People website, Thanksgiving break will be over. You’ll be left with a beautifully knotted ball of tear-soaked yarn and a novel understanding of the fragility of man.

Q: It’s so cold now. What are your tips for staying warm?

Unfortunately, neither of us can actually help you out with this because we’re actually really hot and incredibly attractive. Sorry big man!

Q: How do I stay a person when the sun sets at 4:30 pm?

Oh, friend, friend, friend. We know. Shine a flashlight in your eyes all night. It’ll help the brain or something. (Alternatively: just sob.)

Q: Should I apply to Barnard or Columbia?

Yeah. We love it here.

Q: Should I use ChatGPT in my college assignments?

Yes, you definitely should. It has really human-like syntax, and your professors will never spot it. Additionally, you definitely shouldn’t include ChatGPT in your works cited. You want to collect that plagiarism badge!

Q: Should I use an umbrella on campus?

Absolutely not. You’ll be bullied. Get wet.

Nikki and Tal via Nikki and Tal