Someone living in River Hall this year doesn’t seem to understand that taking people’s kitchenware and not giving it back is THEFT.

It was the second week of classes, and I was settling nicely into my nice new dorm: the recently renovated River Hall. The two kitchens, although communal for the whole floor, were large and spotless; perfect for storing my pots and pans, the air fryer my kind old grandfather gave me as a housewarming gift, and my recent Trader Joe’s haul—complete with some critically acclaimed Trader Joe’s Orange Chicken.

On Wednesday, September 11, whilst cooking up a stir fry, I noticed that one of my two beautiful ceramic bowls was missing. This was only the beginning of the horrors I was yet to discover.

You. I’m addressing you now, River Hall Bowl Thief. I know what you did. It wasn’t hard to figure it all out, play-by-play. At some indeterminate time on Tuesday, September 10, you came into the kitchen, took my Trader Joe’s Orange Chicken out of the freezer, cooked it in my air fryer, ate it out of one of my bowls, and decided to keep the bowl for yourself. Yes, I know that’s how it happened; you didn’t clean the air fryer afterwards.

What’s the deal? Do you not realize how incredibly disrespectful it is to steal food from another person, let alone TAKE THEIR BOWL AND NOT GIVE IT BACK?

But fine, this was before I put the signs up warning people away from using things that don’t belong to them. Let’s pretend for a moment that you just didn’t realize those rules were implicit. I can believe that the lack of labels may have confused you, but that does not excuse the fact that you have yet to return my bowl. You stole it! Give it back! It isn’t yours!

I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure you’re also the one who stole someone else’s sandwich and bowl (also floral, apparently) from the second kitchen on this floor, and I don’t think it’s been returned to her either. Give that back too! What are you doing with them? Are they dirty and gross in your room? I bet you’re a slob. I bet your room looks like this and you’re sad and lonely:

But enough venting. There’s more to this letter than just hate. I am willing to meet you halfway here: return the bowl to the sixth floor kitchen on the south side of the building (609KL to be exact, since things clearly need to be spelled out for you) and I will forgive all of your past misdeeds. Forget the Trader Joe’s Orange Chicken, I just want my bowl back!

However, as each day passes and my kitchen remains bowlless, I’m becoming less and less certain that I’ll ever see it again. As such, I’m using this article to put out a BOLO for my bowl—a BOwlO, if you will. Below is the best photo I could find of it. 

To all readers of this article: if you or a loved one has seen this bowl in someone’s room, it is not theirs, and its owner really wants it back. Send an email to tips@bwog.com if you have any information regarding this missing bowl. Anything that leads to the successful recovery of my favorite dish would be much appreciated.

Your move, River Hall Bowl Thief!

Messy room via Bwog Archives

Bowl and fridge via author