Only the most worthy will find these places.

The time has finally come to reveal the best study spots our campus has to offer. However, knowledge comes at a steep price. In your quest to find these spots, you will face many trials and tribulations. Only the most intelligent and courageous will succeed. Go at your own risk. You can always give up and turn around.

Spot One

Begin in the park on 116th and Riverside. Run up the hill. Roll back down. Walk up again. Cross the street. Head to the name of the American education system’s daddy. Spin in a circle twice. If you are happy, and you know it, clap your hands. If not, whatever you do, do not clap. Instead, do a backflip. Enter through the Northwest Corner and exit onto upper campus. Wait for the signal to proceed. Ride the lion for eight seconds. If you are bucked off before you can score points, give up and go home. Take a break for lunch on a nearby bench.

After eating your sandwich (it had to have been a sandwich. If you ate something else, go home), go south. Having walked the total height of four adult male giraffes, turn left and walk the height of two baby giraffes. Enter. Exit. Enter again. Go up the stairs, three steps at a time, and on the top floor, offer the crumbs of your sandwich to the awaiting mouse. After she eats her little snack, she will show you the way. Follow, do not ask questions, and do whatever you are asked. Only then will you stumble upon the first spot.

Spot Two

When the moon is twelve days old, stand next to Hamilton’s left hand. Pose. Turn around and make your way up to the seventh floor of his namesake, taking the stairs, and descend down the other staircase. Enter the lowest bathroom in the building and whisper the incantation.

Spot Three

You must alphabetically visit every other of the 17 worsts, studying in each consecutively for at least 15 minutes. Doing this for 29 days straight in the same month will open the way to a grand spot near the location of the first. On the 11, 16, and 23, before arriving at the first location, do 15 jumping jacks. No coffee on the 4, 9, 15, and 27. After leaving the final location on the 8, 12, 20, and 24, do a little jig. Make sure to feed the Riverside Raccoons every Tuesday and Sunday. You will not find the spot in an odd-numbered calendar year.

Spot Four

After unearthing the first three spots, you must, standing below the Apple Tree at 5:37 in the morning, you have six minutes to spin the tooth 312 degrees. Between 5:43 and 5:50 you must stand below the other Apple Tree. You have five minutes to eat an apple and its core. Return to the other Apple Tree and walk briskly through the nearby wall.

Travel safely and be wise. Surely there are other tricks and secrets along the way. Legend also claims that a fifth spot exists. We may never know.

Campus via Bwarchive