Staff writer Emorie Hayes gets lost in the world of Facebook Marketplace.

The glossy blue screen reflects in my glasses, the blue light leaking into my glasses.

Sweet Cecilia dopamine continues to disperse throughout my brain as I scroll from each goldmine to the next: from a five dollar Glee karaoke set to a 20 dollar pair of the chicest shoes I’ll ever encounter in my life, or at least at that moment.

Lovely Facebook Marketplace, you wound me dearly, suckering me into endless hours of scrolling, just hoping to understand even a fragment of your phantasmal mind. 

Our game of hot and cold, the cop and the robber, the seeker and the hider, is so invigorating, the rush of a heady hotness filling my brain as I find the perfect acoustic guitar for 50 dollars, only to plummet into the icy bath that is being left on delivered by sellers.

And I am not your only love, your deception and mind games plaguing the masses, leaving innocent hearts crushed as you prance over them, ghosting anyone who gets so daringly close to the golden prize: that disgustingly cheap item that I just need.

And to the masses I say, we must stand up. We must fight against the smothering longing we hold for Facebook Marketplace and instead turn to one another in times of need. How do we do this, you may question. To that I say, we’ll bring on bartering!

No longer will we have to rely on the blue light evilness that is hoping a seller gets back to you in a timely manner, desperately traversing posts, your most typed sentence being “Is this still available?”

Right now marks the evolution of mankind. Forget the past of texting sellers like a desperate ex, and embrace the sweet tradition of bartering!

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