Enter CUMB

Two anonymous baby Bwoggers present their review of Orgo Night: Fall 2014 Edition. We sent the freshmen because they didn’t know what to expect. Also they’re less jaded.

Last night at 11:30pm in Butler 209, everyone realized—probably—that they had forgotten to take a shower. Sweaty bodies in sweaty sweaters carrying their sweaty parkas milled around the room, predicting where the band would stand, trying to find somewhere comfortable to sit, and trying not to breathe through their noses. Last night was our first Orgo Night, and luckily we got to perch on the same study carrel as the band, back to back with Mikhail and Edith (though our necks were definitely sore from the end of the night from having to peer around to look at them, and things definitely got awkward when Bwog’s time came).

And what public gathering is complete without the overwhelming presence of Public Safety? Officers were stationed outside of Butler and throughout the main floor in anticipation of protests (in anticipation of what CUMB might say), though apparently said protest was over at the Barnard Midnight Breakfast instead. Despite a push from some students for the administration to cancel the performance due to the band’s not-so-subtle and often offensive jokes, Orgo Night was still on.

At midnight, CUMB came booming into 209, playing the Fight Song and waving their instruments along with a “Wet Floor” sign that was altered to say “Get Wet For Floorgo Night” (and possibly a mop?). “Ladies and gentlemen and organic chemistry students,” they opened, “back despite misguided protests, the most canceled band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Not Your Turn!”

The band’s first target: the police! They began by bashing cops for the recent events surrounding the murders of Michael Brown and Eric Garner, throwing in jokes about CrackDel and how public safety should “focus on what they do best: making pleasant conversation with Barnard girls in the sign-in line.” They followed up their political commentary with “Fuck You, Police” (“Fuck You” by CeeLo Green). No one missed that.

The band then launched into a segment on Spec’s opinion page, “where Columbia’s unheard voices compete to be unheard the loudest.” Following a spiel making fun of CUCR Executive Board member Jamie Boothe’s pro-Columbus Day op-ed in Spec, the band made a joke comparing unpaid interns to slaves, which was met with a variety of responses from the (uneasy) audience. They finished this section by mocking calls for “open dialogue” from people who clearly don’t want actual open dialogue, and performed Britney Spears’s “Toxic.”

One of the highlights of our night, of course, was the Bwog roast that followed. (We love attention.) The band brought up some of our, uh, missteps from the past year, and crafted their own apology letter in response to criticisms of Orgo Night’s content. “Some impassioned individuals aired their grievances against Orgo Night jokes they haven’t heard, aren’t hearing now, and won’t bother to look up later,” the band said. “But we can’t entirely blame them—at this school, everyone’s become accustomed to confidently bullshitting without doing the reading.” CUMB, you know you love us. We’ve got to say: you really took it easy on Bwog. Thanks.

The band’s next target of mockery was the Disorientation Guide that popped up during NSOP. The band brought up its own suggestions for changes in language that could be seen as offensive—“Say goodbye to the phrase, “the football team really blew it,” for fear of offending Barnard girls everywhere,” they said, and “Don’t call someone a ‘nerd’ unless they’re actually in SEAS.” They followed this up with some “Time Warp.”

Next, the band broached the issue of sexual assault on campus. They started in on Sexual Violence Response’s juvenile traffic light analogy for consent, but their quip about how “every light turns green eventually” definitely made people cringe. The band affirmed their support for activists fighting against sexual assault at Columbia, but also brought up people’s confusion over SJP’s speech at the Carry That Weight Day of Action. They finished by criticizing the administration’s cover-ups of rape and played “Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics. All too symbolic.

CUMB wrapped up their performance with an attack on the incompetency of the administration as a whole. They spoke about the “Columbia circle of life,” how the administration can just wait until students graduate so they don’t have to actually act on anything. The band threw in a line about the school’s mishandling of events following the recent death of Joshua Villa, to the horror of most. CUMB too affirmed their support for the admission of trans women to Barnard. They derided PrezBo’s $700,000 raise, making “his infamous $471 mattress removal fee to Student-Worker Solidarity a lot more understandable…to PrezBo, $471 is chump change, pennies, halal money.” The band then played “Snappy,” or “Happy” by Pharrell Williams, “in honor of institutional inertia.”

The band finished with some grade-A tips for the organic chemistry exam, and then paraded out to another rousing rendition of the Fight Song. Following their exit from Butler, the band was apparently not let into the Barnard quad per their traditional route around Morningside Heights.

Our impression of Orgo Night? As first years, we had heard a lot of things about it: upperclassmen who said it was awesome, upperclassmen who said it was overrated, a Spec op-ed that decried it as “violent.” We ultimately found it entertaining, but were also surprised by the constructive criticism in their humor. We had been under the impression that it would be more ridiculous; although there were definitely some insensitive jokes, CUMB addressed issues that matter to students.