Clearly ready for anything

This week’s installment of the Night in the Life series has gone rogue. Barnard Bearoness Maddie Stearn trades in her crown for a deerstalker hat as she imagines Professor Dorian Warren’s life on the run. Read on to get a glimpse into the life of Columbia’s favorite fugitive. 

5:25 pm

I take a sip of my piña colada and put down The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to watch the sun set over the horizon. Channeling Olivia Pope, I lean back in my beach chair and watch the waves crash on the shore of my island hideout.

5:43 pm

Just got a text from the White House. They say it’s urgent. It’s like I am Olivia Pope.

5:44 pm

You know, my life would be such a good premise for a TV show. Or a movie. Wait, movie or documentary? Whatever, I’m always camera-ready.

5:45 pm

No, definitely a TV series. There isn’t enough time to cover my entire life in 120 minutes. I can already think of 120 badass things I’ve done today.

5:50 pm

I walk back to my bungalow to call the President an undisclosed White House official. Why do I hear barking? Are there dogs on this island? They could be wild dogs. I could totally tame one of them and it could become my sidekick. Badass thing #121.

5:52 pm

I think I’ll name my dog Filibuster.

5:55 pm

SHIT. Yes, there are dogs here but they are not wild. I don’t know where the fuck Prezbo got a pack of tracker dogs but they’re damn effective. Time to peace out. The White House can wait.

6:10 pm

I did not think this through. I’m sort of stranded on the roof of my bungalow. The dogs are close now and it’s really dark now. And a little chilly. I wish I had a cardigan.

6:15 pm

The dogs have surrounded the bungalow. They’re so close that I can see that their collars have “L.E.E.” stitched across. What is that supposed to even mean? I hear their handlers running through the brush. I texted the White House 10 minutes ago but I didn’t get a response. Fine, I’ll text MSNBC. They can’t let me die; I’m too essential.

6:20 pm

The handlers are here and yelling at me to surrender. NEVER!

6:21 pm

But actually I’m really cold and maybe turning myself in won’t be so bad? Everyone is so hung up on this whole grading thing but honestly I “lost” those papers months ago.

6:28 pm

Holy shit what a rush! MSNBC totally has my back. I guess I am indispensable after all. They sent a news helicopter to rescue me from the roof and I even got to climb a rope ladder. Badass thing #124 (I counted evading the dogs as #122 and keeping my cool on the roof for so long as #123).

6:45 pm

Nobody will tell me where we’re going. Maybe they’re sending me on a highly sensitive job.

6:50 pm

Finally! One of the guys in the copter caved and told me we’re going to see the President. I’m not really dressed for the occasion, though. I hope someone gives me a tux.

7:00 pm

Asked about the tux and the guy just coughed. What the hell? I can’t see the President wearing swim trunks! It’s also fucking cold in D.C. so I don’t see how they expect me to walk around like this.

8:00 pm

Weird, all of the people in this helicopter are wearing hats that say L.E.E. just like the dog collars. Must be a brand.

9:00 pm

It’s not a brand.

10:00 pm

Well, this sucks. Turns out the whole helicopter thing was a setup. Ok, so the copter didn’t actually say “MSNBC” on the side like the others, but I just assumed that this was their stealth copter. Also, that guy didn’t mean that I was going to see President Obama. He was referring to PrezBo. Jerk. Apparently Columbia has a landing pad that I was unaware of? And since when does Lee have a helicopter? What a snob. Now I’m locked up in these stupid tunnels (secret’s out: they were converted into prison cells.) In case you’re wondering, L.E.E. stands for “League of Extraordinary Extractions.” I wouldn’t call that stunt extraordinary but whatever.

10:30 pm

I’m still cold.

Not doing any grading via SIPA