How To Know You’re Not Hooking Up With A 16 Year Old
Written by Gabrielle Kloppers
As our years at Columbia trickle slowly by, each year we are greeted by an ever-younger cohort in 1020, at the frathouses, and in our classes. How do you know that the cutie from Intro to Psych is legally of an age where you can get it on? Bwog Staff Writer Gabrielle Kloppers investigates.
Flirting is difficult when you don’t know what year someone is in, and what with the multitudinous brainiacs that graduated early and came to Columbia, that person you’re crushing on from across Ref may not even be old enough to be an option. Here is the definitive way to know that they’re just a bit too young for you:
- They don’t remember cassette tapes or VHS/VCR
- They don’t remember 9/11 AT ALL
- They never had a MySpace
- They never had a flip-phone
- If they’re gay: their coming-out process didn’t involve Lady Gaga in any way
- If they’re straight: they never sang Katy Perry’s iconic, yet deeply problematic bop “I Kissed a Girl” at a slumber party
- They unironically use the phrase “Social Media Influencer”
- They did the new SAT (I still don’t know how it’s different but…)
- They’re still excited about LitHum
- They never got LIT to My Chemical Romance
- Their adolescence involved more pop-rap than pop-punk
But mostly, you’ll be able to tell if:
- They’re not dead in the eyes yet.
That’s all folks! Remember to work in a conversation about your cringey MySpace profile the next time you bump into ~that person~ in the line at Blue Java.
Don’t date him via Pixabay
Tags: do not be FOOLED, get lit time to flip, i almost settled for a bird pic, if i hear social media influencer one more time!, it was difficult to find a non disgusting pic for this article, love is in the air, love is NOT in the air, they're looking older and older