Oct

11

How To Know You’re Not Hooking Up With A 16 Year Old

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This man’s terrible choice to have a goatee signifies he is definitely of age, and yet I still warn you against hooking up with him.

As our years at Columbia trickle slowly by, each year we are greeted by an ever-younger cohort in 1020, at the frathouses, and in our classes. How do you know that the cutie from Intro to Psych is legally of an age where you can get it on? Bwog Staff Writer Gabrielle Kloppers investigates.

Flirting is difficult when you don’t know what year someone is in, and what with the multitudinous brainiacs that graduated early and came to Columbia, that person you’re crushing on from across Ref may not even be old enough to be an option. Here is the definitive way to know that they’re just a bit too young for you:

  • They don’t remember cassette tapes or VHS/VCR
  • They don’t remember 9/11 AT ALL
  • They never had a MySpace
  • They never had a flip-phone
  • If they’re gay: their coming-out process didn’t involve Lady Gaga in any way
  • If they’re straight: they never sang Katy Perry’s iconic, yet deeply problematic bop “I Kissed a Girl” at a slumber party
  • They unironically use the phrase “Social Media Influencer”
  • They did the new SAT (I still don’t know how it’s different but…)
  • They’re still excited about LitHum
  • They never got LIT to My Chemical Romance
  • Their adolescence involved more pop-rap than pop-punk

But mostly, you’ll be able to tell if:

  • They’re not dead in the eyes yet.

That’s all folks! Remember to work in a conversation about your cringey MySpace profile the next time you bump into ~that person~ in the line at Blue Java.

Don’t date him via Pixabay

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4 Comments

  1. uhm  

    okay but did you fuck a youth

  2. Anonymous

    One third of freshmen were nearly always sixteen, largely from Bronx Science and Stuyvesant. This is why they had General Studies, because they didn't want those roughed up by the military draft to come back and push around the too-young geniuses.

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