What To Do If You Only Have 15 Minutes Left At Columbia
Written by Zack Abrams
If you’ve been living under a rock (or inside a concrete bunker) for the last few days, you may not have heard about the fake missile threat that was accidentally activated in Hawaii, prompting a notification on everyone’s phone. That got me thinking about how I would have no idea what to do in that scenario if I was on campus. Here’s what I came up with:
Burn your LitHum books on Low Beach
In the last few minutes of existence as a body and not as a dust of microscopic particles, it’s always best to give in to the most animalistic of human urges. A good ol’ fashioned book burning is always fun, so show the cisheteronormative patriarchal core how you really feel about its bullshit. Leave Sappho out of it, though.
Get lit with your professor in office hours
Societal structure always breaks down in apocalyptic scenarios; therefore, there’s nothing stopping you from partying away your last few minutes with your favorite professor or your favorite TA. Choose your playlist wisely, you don’t want to spend your last time on earth listening to Ed Sheeran.
Actually find shelter, if you want to fight off radioactive zombies
Look, I just don’t have the work ethic to survive in a post-apocalyptic environment; some days I’m too lazy to literally take an elevator downstairs and eat food that’s just waiting out on a table. But, if you think you have a shot, maybe try prying open some of the doors to the hidden tunnels or figuring out how to get to the Manhattan Project levels beneath Pupin. Athletes, beautiful people, Walking Dead fans: I suggest this option.
Binge-watch Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix at 863x speeds
There’s 301 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, with each being around 43 minutes long. Therefore, in order to watch them all in 15 minutes, you’d have to speed each of them up to 863 times their normal speed. So experience love, loss, grief, and… doctor stuff, I guess, in the time you have left. (Author’s note: I have never seen an episode of Grey’s Anatomy)
Grab the nearest person and head to the Butler stacks
You gotta. Enough said.