To The Person Or Persons Responsible For The Four (4) Carman Fire Alarms In Recent Days
Written by Owen Fitzgerald-Diaz
Dear whoever you are,
I, like many Carmanites, am now awake at 2:30 in the morning on a Tuesday night (or, rather, and Wednesday morning), thanks to you. This is the fourth time such an event has happened in recent nights- Thursday (was it Thursday? It already feels so fucking long ago I can’t even remember) we had TWO ALARMS in a SINGLE NIGHT (you know, to get the year off to a strong start), and since then on two subsequent nights (Sunday night and this evening/morning/whatever ungodly time it is).
Every time, the fire dept. has shown up, gone inside, and left after a few minutes looking somewhat disappointed, while harried Public Safety officers try to corral sleepy masses of sick freshmen who mill in an aimless, angry mob outside. Or so I assume – as things stand I’ve now only evacuated for two of these shitshows, because the second one on Thursday was just too much for me (or most anyone else) to bear, and almost anything that wakes you up at 2:30 on a Wednesday morning (except an actual fire) is probably worth sleeping through.
Anyways, whoever you are, is it that fucking difficult to walk to Riverside to smoke? Or to go to wherever it is that people burn incense to do that? If you broke your leg or something and literally can’t leave Carman to indulge in whatever combustive activities you’re indulging in, I’m sure at this point the entire hall would be willing to pay for an Uber.
And furthermore, what the ever-loving fuck are you doing up at 2:30 ON A WEDNESDAY MORNING smoking (if that’s what it was)?? Was there NO other time that might have been SLIGHTLY better for you? Get your shit together, we’re like a month in! If you’ve sunk this low by now it’s basically over unless you can pull up. And if you were burning HW or something in some sort of misanthropic pyromaniac rage – I feel you, but please, for the love of God and His saints and angels, please fucking do it somewhere else, so that we don’t all have to suffer (don’t worry, ours is killing us too just fine on its own).
If anyone has knowledge on the whereabouts of the person or persons responsible for this batshit clusterfuckery, please contact the International Criminal Court in the Hague or literally anyone who can make it stopppppppppppp.