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Oct

11

We’ve Got BSE (Big SEAS Energy) This Time

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The hammer symbolizes how hard midterms crush every STEMs student’s spirit from week 4 through finals

Bwog brought you a fool-proof method of determining how much Barnard energy you or anyone else in your life has, but since we’ve never been known to let a good idea die, we’re featuring another Columbia undergraduate school this week: SEAS! For all you engineers out there who might be worried that our system is “arbitrary” and “unscientific,” we’d like to let you know that we ran our algorithm past our smartest, SEASiest Bwoggers, and they threw up their hands and walked away, so we’re confident in the accuracy of our system. Calculate how much SEAS energy you exude and share your results in the comments!

If you suspect yourself or someone you’ve seen of having BSE, start with a base of 10 points and go from there:

  • Thinks about transferring to CC after the first midterm (+2)
  • In a racecar club (+3)
  • Thinks they’re woke because their engineering club has 3 female members (+15)
  • Had to take gen chem even though what they want to study has nothing to do with chemistry (+10)
    • Had to take generic classes that have nothing to do with their major for ~2 years (+3)
  • Has read a book (-5)
    • Can read (-15)
  • Has a Dropbox shirt (+2)
    • has two Dropbox shirts (+6)
  • Has a MongoDB shirt (+1)
  • Understands what blockchain is (+10)
    • Can explain what blockchain is to others (+2)
  • Thinks they’re better than people who are humanities majors (+15)
  • Skipped every Art of Engineering lecture, because they’re on Friday (+2)
    • Went to every AoE lecture, even though they’re on Friday (+5)
  • Been told “you don’t seem like you’d be in SEAS” (+5)
  • Humanities classes end up being the most work (+3)
  • “have you started the p-set” (+3)
    • “no” (+10)

  • Doing p-sets together and crying (+5)
    • Not doing p-sets with other people because you “want to get ahead of the curve” (-5)
  • Every class has 100 or more people (+2)
  • Has a gaming setup in their dorm room (+4)
  • Has a jailbroken phone (+2)
    • Has an iPhone (-1)
    • Doesn’t have a Mac because they don’t like the lack of hard-drive (+4)
  • Love/hate relationship with Adam Cannon (+1)
  • Thinks they’re bilingual because they can code (+7)
  • Cuffs jeans (-5)
  • Has only ever studied in NoCo (+7)
  • Signs up for Core classes they don’t have to take in order to get a well-rounded education (-1 for every additional humanities class)
  • Does math for fun (+3)
  • Tries to “problem solve” any issue (+1)
  • Freaks out when they need to write an essay over 2 pages (+3 base, +1 for every additional page)
  • Thinks econ counts as a “humanities class” (+5)
  • Didn’t realize they had to read the syllabus in humanities class (+5)
    • Fucked up a grade or assignment because of it (+10)
  • Complains about reading 5 or fewer pages (+1)
  • Lists HTML as only coding language on their resume (-3)
  • More than 18 credits (+1 for each additional credit)
  • Has heard of Hegel but at this point is too afraid to ask (+2)
  • Brags about Google/Tesla/Boeing/Facebook internship that they got through Daddy’s connections (+11)
  • Swears financial engineering is a real major and not the SEAS equivalent to selling out to Goldman Sachs (+4)
  • Comp sci minor (+1)
  • Prints things for humanities friends, because they never use their weekly quota (+2)

Results

0-15 points: The last time they saw a division sign, they immediately burst into tears and fled the room. They don’t know what calculus is and don’t really care either; they took Physics for Poets and that’s fine. But every time they look at Mudd or Pupin, they’re filled with the same vague sense of existential dread that accompanied a high school physics exam.

16-35 points: Maybe they go to SEAS, but it’s just as likely that they’re a STEM student at one of the other schools. Either way, they understand the suffering of late nights filling out lab reports, having 3 midterms in every class and trying to fulfill the introductory sequence before getting to take the classes they actually signed up for.

36-60 points: They never go anywhere without a laptop in one hand and a bottle of Soylent in the other. Friends are vaguely concerned because they never really seem to sleep, but they love the rush of turning in that p-set minutes before the deadline and of having a relatively secure place in the job market upon graduation. They sometimes get a little superior, but they respect their friends in the humanities and even crack open a book or two on occasion, to keep themselves grounded.

61+ points: They’re already running a successful Silicon Valley tech start-up, funded entirely by venture capitalists, designing an electric car that actually scales, or maybe they’ve just moved beyond the human form and are just pure Python or Java code. We wish these people the best, but we at Bwog advise that they use their powers for good and maybe…stay off Twitter.

SEAS the means of production via Columbia Engineering

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