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Dec

6

img December 06, 20182:10 pmimg 1 Comments

The Google description doesn’t mention the door. Coincidence?

There is a locked door in the back of 1020. There is only one question: what lays within? I have an answer.

Locked doors that no one ever opens are usually a sign that something sinister is going on, especially in dark and slightly dirty locations (however much you may like 1020, I don’t think anyone can make the case that it’s brightly lit or sterile). It’s even worse when they’re tucked away where fewer people will see them- for example, at the very back of an establishment, where fewer patrons will walk past.

With these suspicions in mind, I commenced an investigation. Some initially said they had been told it was merely an innocent storeroom, but they had fear in their eyes when they said this. Clearly, something else was happening. This called for a closer look- what sort of sinister acts could be occurring back there? Was it a CIA black site? Did the statues from St. John’s hold witches’ covens there? Or, for lack of any other explanation, could ancient aliens perhaps be present?

Finally, after a great deal of searching, a source at the highest levels of government, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed that Gritty, the new Philadelphia Flyers mascot who has terrorized the United States and Canada since its first appearance in September, has a sex dungeon underneath 1020 that is accessed through this door. Several Muppets are believed to be being held against their will within. However, since Muppets and NHL mascots apparently have diplomatic immunity or something, there’s nothing that can be done.

dix vingt via Bwog Archives

Nov

19

img November 19, 20181:00 pmimg 1 Comments

Look into their cold, soulless eyes and see the light of your own destruction

If you’ve been inside St. John’s Cathedral, you may have noticed some very strange statues mounted on the pillars near the front part of the transept. They look like ceramic cartoon figures and are simultaneously weird, ghoulish, and adorable. What the hell is going on with them? This staff writer has some theories.

I like wandering around giant, cool-looking buildings, so it seemed natural for me to pay a few visits to St. John’s Cathedral- it’s a wonderfully convenient way to get my impressive-architecture fix now and then. From the outside, there aren’t a lot of red flags- it’s pretty normal-looking, as humongous cathedrals go, even if its top bits aren’t quite done. Besides the Peace Fountain outside (which is definitely some sort of New World Order Illuminati shit), St. John’s isn’t necessarily obvious as the nexus of a vast global conspiracy.

Venture inside, and at first all still seems well. Giant pillars, fancy stained glass, acoustics that make sneezing a mortifying experience- standard cathedral stuff. But if one takes a seat in the chairs set out where the transept intersects with the nave, and looks up, a bizarre sight presents itself.

Rising up the walls on little platforms are strange and seemingly incredibly out-of-place figures, looking like they’ve been ripped straight out of a newspaper comic strip. A casual observer might chalk them up as an odd but amusing temporary exhibit or something- after all, St. John’s does have temporary displays of various artists, so one could be forgiven for writing off these statues.

However, a more careful eye will swiftly pick up on their sinister overtones. It immediately becomes evident that some of the statues are apparently dead, their skeleton forms grinning eerily out at the congregation’s seating. Others carry food and dollar or cent symbols, with expressions that range from overjoyed to despondent, and they are also frequently accompanied by animal sidekicks, who share the same range of moods and also in some cases appear to be staring at us from the other side of death’s door.

what else is there? more after the jump

Oct

10

img October 10, 20187:00 pmimg 3 Comments

it’s as humid as the rainforest

Welcome to your October tropical vacation, courtesy of global warming! The leaves may be about to change, but it’s SWEATer weather for now.

I come to you from a campus drenched in sweat- and it’s not just from stressing over midterms.

Absolutely nothing seems to be fully dry, and with our lovely City-mandated heat now pumping, even the rare day of misty coolness has no impact, since every building has been transformed into some sort of hellish steam room. And on warm days, temperatures that would otherwise be pleasant or at least tolerable send everyone scurrying for shade and the nearest cool beverage, sweat drenching their summery clothes that look increasingly bizarre as mid-October draws onward. It feels like Satan himself has turned New York into a huge cauldron to steam us all like unfortunate, sweaty little dumplings.

Spare a thought, East Coast types who are more inured to this tortuously subtropical version of “fall,” for the West Coasters among us, who come from a land where the weather is more civilized.  While we’re all in pain, their suffering is almost incalculable- waking up with sheets drenched in sweat (and coming back at the end of the day to find them still damp), forced to wear moisture-wicking gym clothes wherever they go, shuddering at the sensation of pollution condensing out of the air onto their skin. To come from a land where the weather doesn’t try to violently smother you with a wet blanket and get hit with this (during midterms, no less) is a terrible fate.

At this point, please, bring on the blizzards- at least then there’s somewhere to hide. Let’s just hope this grossness breaks before mildew engulfs the entire city.

Photo via Wikipedia Commons

Sep

27

img September 27, 20181:00 pmimg 0 Comments

This looks like “Dear Evan Hansen” meets “The Shining”

Proving Up is a new opera from Opera Omaha written by Missy Mazzoli (music) and Royce Vavrek (libretto). Wednesday the 26th marked its New York premiere (a second performance on Friday the 28th is already sold out).

(Your humble correspondent had never seen an opera in his life before tonight, so if you thought this was the greatest thing since sliced avocado, chalk it up to that.)

Kicking off the Miller Theatre’s 30th season is Proving Up, a dark new opera centered on the Zegner family’s hardships and efforts to get a deed to their land under the Homestead Act in post-Civil War Nebraska. After five brutal years, and the deaths of the two Zegner girls (played by Abigail Nims and Cree Carrico), the rumor comes out that a federal inspector is coming to hand out grants. the family is desperate to finally “prove up” and firmly establish themselves in their new, western home. However, those seeking land must meet the Homestead Act’s strict requirements first- the main issue for many poor farmers in the rural hinterland being the requirement that every house must have a glass window. (Spoilers ahead.)

This the Zegners have, thanks to Johannes (AKA Pa, played by John Moore) and their neighbors, the Yotherses, who “proved up” and got their land deed the previous year. However, the Yotherses then mysteriously vanish, leaving no trace except for a field of “queer little trees” that are variously described as looking like crosses, ivory, or human bones (cheerful!). Pa takes their window, since they’re not using it. In the present, hearing rumors of an approaching inspector, the Zegners hatch a scheme to share the window with their neighbors so everyone can prove up. Miles (played by Michael Slattery) is forced to act as the window’s courier after older brother Peter (played by Sam Shapiro) injures himself and has to be tended to by Ma (played by Talise Trevigne). His dead sisters float around, generally acting creepy.

More spookiness after the jump

Sep

26

img September 26, 20183:17 amimg 4 Comments

:(

Dear whoever you are,

I, like many Carmanites, am now awake at 2:30 in the morning on a Tuesday night (or, rather, and Wednesday morning), thanks to you. This is the fourth time such an event has happened in recent nights- Thursday (was it Thursday? It already feels so fucking long ago I can’t even remember) we had TWO ALARMS in a SINGLE NIGHT (you know, to get the year off to a strong start), and since then on two subsequent nights (Sunday night and this evening/morning/whatever ungodly time it is).

Every time, the fire dept. has shown up, gone inside, and left after a few minutes looking somewhat disappointed, while harried Public Safety officers try to corral sleepy masses of sick freshmen who mill in an aimless, angry mob outside. Or so I assume – as things stand I’ve now only evacuated for two of these shitshows, because the second one on Thursday was just too much for me (or most anyone else) to bear, and almost anything that wakes you up at 2:30 on a Wednesday morning (except an actual fire) is probably worth sleeping through.

Anyways, whoever you are, is it that fucking difficult to walk to Riverside to smoke? Or to go to wherever it is that people burn incense to do that? If you broke your leg or something and literally can’t leave Carman to indulge in whatever combustive activities you’re indulging in, I’m sure at this point the entire hall would be willing to pay for an Uber.

And furthermore, what the ever-loving fuck are you doing up at 2:30 ON A WEDNESDAY MORNING smoking (if that’s what it was)?? Was there NO other time that might have been SLIGHTLY better for you? Get your shit together, we’re like a month in! If you’ve sunk this low by now it’s basically over unless you can pull up. And if you were burning HW or something in some sort of misanthropic pyromaniac rage – I feel you, but please, for the love of God and His saints and angels, please fucking do it somewhere else, so that we don’t all have to suffer (don’t worry, ours is killing us too just fine on its own).

If anyone has knowledge on the whereabouts of the person or persons responsible for this batshit clusterfuckery, please contact the International Criminal Court in the Hague or literally anyone who can make it stopppppppppppp.

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