And now for the final installment of Senior Wisdom, we present our beloved Bwog and Blue & White seniors: B&W managing editor and Bwog daily editor Mariela Quintana, Bwog Co-editor, editor-at-large, and daily editor Anish Bramhandkar, B&W Editor Emeritus and Bwog features and daily editor Jon Hill, and B&W senior editor Hannah Lepow. Thank you for all the wisdom you’ve given us. We’ll miss you dearly!

Mariela Quintana

Claims to Fame:

Mariela: In 3rd grade, I starred in “The Freaky Mar Show” – I’d wrap up in a fleece blanket and dance in middle of the sharing rug. When I was 12, I won the Camper’s Cup at summer camp. At Columbia, I was the Managing Editor of The Blue and White. And Genghis Khan. I probably peaked in the ’90s.

Anish: Bwog Daily Editor for 3 semesters, Co-Editor for 1 semester, Editor-at-Large for 1 semester, and currently Bwog Grandpa.

Jon: I discovered Santa’s terrible secret. I also wrote those absolutely riveting editor’s notes in The Blue & White.

Hannah: Editorships! The Blue & White, Tablet, Columbia Undergraduate Journal of History

Where are you going?

Mariela: I was considering going to Phoenix to teach, but I’ve had a change of heart. Instead, I’m working at a non profit that provides early childhood education to kids living in housing projects in Brooklyn.

Anish: Manhattan is a playground for 20 to 25-year-olds. I’ll be living in the city working as a software developer.

Jon: Studying/scouting/scribbling on international economics for the Council on Foreign Relations

Hannah: D.C. for a stint in a communications firm, and then back to Columbia for law school.

Anish Bramhandkar

Three things you learned at Columbia:

Mariela:
1. Don’t bury the lead. Say what you mean and say it upfront.

2. “That’s a great question” is the best compliment. The value of curiosity never depreciates.

3. Where ever you go, there you are.

Anish:
1. The biggest misconception in the liberal arts is that it’s okay to be bad at math. The biggest misconception in the sciences is that it’s okay to communciate poorly. The sciences and the liberal arts, false dichotomy as it is, need each other and one can’t even begin to appreciate the world without a foot in both worlds.

2. Clichéd, yes, but Columbia’s diversity is one of its biggest assets. That being said, any time activities are divided along cultural, ethnic, or racial lines, it can be more divisive than uniting: a lot of these lines are arbitrary. Do get in touch with your roots if you’re so inclined, but make an effort to ignore the distinctions and spend time with all sorts of people.

3. There’s a lot of pent-up cynicism and bitterness on campus, exemplified by Bwog comments and v114, “Morningside Hates,” caused the disconnect between the administration and students and between the students themselves. It’s a vicious cycle that is caused by and causes our lack of school spirit. Take some time to think of happy thoughts, then get out of your room and go do things. With people. On campus.

Jon Hill

Jon:

1. Westside is the pricey good one, Morton is the pricey bad one, D’Ag is the weird one, Appletree is the disappointing one, Met is the budget one, and Trader Joe’s beats them all.

2. I never actually got far into St. Augustine’s City of God, but after living in McBain, I found it makes an excellent weight with which to trap vermin under a cup.

3. Never underestimate people. Not their intelligence, not their benevolence, not their malevolence. Otherwise, you should get used to being caught off-guard when the jock in your seminar turns out to be piercingly brilliant or when the nice guy across the hall turns out to be the nighttime kitchen thief who is digging out helpings of your lentil soup with his fingers. (That’s right, I know it was you.)

Hannah:

1. Moderation! True productivity isn’t dragging all of your books to Butler and pulling your hair out. A late night just talking with friends is one of the best ways to spend time.

2. The value of asking for help. It seems so hard to do sometimes, but it always pays off in dividends.

3. Opposites attract. Some of my best friends here are studying completely different things than I am, and that’s so, so wonderful.

Hannah Lepow

“Back in my day…”

Mariela: There was a course called Critical Reading, Critical Writing (CRCW). I think when I took it, it was one of those optional requirements for English majors. I think there are a lot of those.

Anish: Mediocre Italian was available at Pertutti instead of Campo and DVDs came from Kim’s, not Netflix.

Jon: The Writers’ Strike meant I had to wait three extra months before I could find out why Jack wanted to go back to the island so badly. Then again, three years later, I’m still not sure.

Hannah: There were trays.

Read more…

Next up, the SGA Prez…

Name, school: Lara Avsar, Barnard College

Claim to fame: Some people know me as the President of Barnard’s Student Government Association. More people know me as the girl that really really loves homecoming.

Where are you going? I still need to graduate so I’m taking a stats class this summer. With or without my diploma, I’m traveling around the world by myself—teaching English to a Bedouin community at a solar powered eco-lodge in Jordan, volunteering at an orphanage in Bali, and spending a month at a Buddhist monastery in Nepal with stops along the way. After the crazy adventure, I’m moving to Turkey to actually find a job. Hit me up if yall wanna visit Istanbul!

Three things you learned at Columbia:

All Columbia students can be convinced that fried possum is a delicacy in Alabama—basically nobody in this part of the country understands the South.

New York is very small and the one person that you don’t want to run into will be in the same subway car, street corner, and restaurant as you. It’s the science of this city…I’m a math major so trust me.

I also learned to think twice before telling the Columbia Spectator something embarrassing. Everything ends up on Google and, yes, all parents Google their children at least once in their lifetime. Again, just trust me.

“Back in my day…” This phrase makes me feel so old…“back in my day” I went to college with 80s babies. The youngins are taking over.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I adore my friends so I’m going to go with their answer: “well…Lara is just…unapologetically Lara.” Also, people call me ‘Mama Lara’ cause I give great pep talks.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? Columbia has a war on fun, but New York City doesn’t! And in a city that is just so damn fun, Columbia students are always going to win.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Well a lot of my friends are lactose intolerant and I’m all about camaraderie…

Advice for the class of 2015: You’re never going to remember the time you spent studying, you will always remember the fun times—so arrange your schedule accordingly. Oh and never be afraid to go with your gut—you might be making up for massive mistakes later on, but at least you won’t regret anything.

Any regrets? See advice above. Oh wait, I regret that Spectator quote from freshman year…

They may have already given their speeches, but this doesn’t mean there isn’t more wisdom to go around! We asked the valedictorians and salutatorians of the Class of 2011 some questions, and they gave us very clever ways of avoiding the infamous oral sex question.

Did you do anything special to celebrate?

Margot (CC Valedictorian): Just some dinners with close friends. I also decided to take it a little easier with finals studying. I spent 25 hours in Florida last week, which sounds like it could be a good answer to this question. I was actually there to attend a research conference, but it was still very fun nonetheless.

Norases (SEAS Valedictorian): Those who know me are familiar with my mode of transportation around campus. I tend to sprint to and from classes and meetings, in order to save time that most people spend walking for more important things. After I found out, I slowed my pace to a jog and on a good day, I would actually walk. But when all of the senior festivities kicked off I was so busy I had to start running again.

Kira (GS Valedictorian): I think just what most graduates do. I spent time with family and friends and tried to savor the moment!

Elizabeth (CC Salutatorian): I received the congratulatory e-mail right before I was getting on a bus back home for Easter weekend: my celebration thus consisted of epic feasting with the family and long frolics with the poodle through the rugged wilderness of central PA.

Michael (SEAS Salutatorian): Honestly, not really. I think when I first found out, it didn’t really sink in how big of an award it really was! I think my family was more excited to find out than I was. We just had a nice little dinner, but no real big celebration.

Do people treat you differently now that you’re valedictorian?

Margot: I have been receiving more hugs than normal, and people have been incredibly sweet in congratulating me (thank you so much everyone, it means a lot!), but other than that, no.

Norases: I now have a PR Manager.

Kira: No. People have been supportive and happy for me and I appreciate that tremendously. But I’m still just the same quiet person I was before, and I don’t think I should be treated any differently.

Elizabeth: They definitely laugh at me more for stupid mistakes I make!

Michael: Not really. A lot of people say congratulations to me when I walk past them, but other than that, most of my friends still treat me exactly the same way as before. After all, I’m still the same person as before.

Read more…

Name, school: Jonathan Tanners, CC

Claim to fame: My voice travels through walls, I have decent facial hair, and my advisor told me I was a bad person freshman year because I didn’t want to take any classes before 11:30AM. Somehow I managed to wake up and be a cofounder of CUSH (the Columbia University Society of Hip-Hop). I received a C – - on a paper in Dinosaurs and the History of Life.

Where are you going? Back to my parents’ place and then hopefully to a mansion with a solid gold toilet in one of the bathrooms.

Three things you learned at Columbia

1. C – - is an actual grade. Ask my T.A. from Dinosaurs and the History of Life.

2. The Steps are not conducive to timely class attendance, but that’s great.

3. Even when you think finals are finished, someone probably has one on the last day. Try not to sing Chris Brown’s “Forever” across the McBain shaft if you think people might still have finals.

“Back in my day…” Will Smith was a rapper, Patrick Ewing was limping up and down the court roping me into a misguided sense of Knicks-pride, and I didn’t think twice about ordering a McDonald’s Happy Meal. Now I eat tempeh.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: The first CD I ever bought was Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise. My idea of a good time is the movie Martyrs. Don’t Google it.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? I don’t really have anything to report from these frontlines. An RA tried to write my roommate and me up for a noise complaint in Carman freshman year. Nothing ever came of it, so I guess I won.

Someone threw a 40 out my suite window this year. If you’re that person, we’d like another 40, please.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I believe it was noted philosopher Cam’ron who said “I just want head from Patti Labelle.” Then again, I always keep a few bags of Baby Bel’s in the fridge.

Advice for the class of 2015:

Take care of your mental health. You’re almost certainly not going to sleep enough over the next four years, but if you wake up one morning and your body says “today is not a Lit Hum day,” it is ok to listen. Cervantes has been around for a while. He’s going to stay around. He can wait. Watch another episode of The Wire and fall back asleep.

Also, talk to as many people as possible. I’ve learned more from my friends and their experiences than I have from any class, as cliché as it sounds. There are remarkable people from all corners of the globe walking around this campus–not all of them students–and it’s worth your while to get to know as many as possible. So this goes hand in hand with sleeping in: if someone asks you to go on a late night Ham Del run, don’t say no.

Lastly, if you like music, spend time at WKCR.

Any regrets? Nope.

A change in tone from past Senior Wisdoms—below, hear from a vocal campus activist.

Name, school: Cara Buchanan, Columbia College

Claim to fame:
Hometown: born & raised in fabulous las vega$
Mom: $tripper
Dad: pimp
Residence: Caesar’s Palace during the week, the Bellagio on weekends

Where are you going?

… off to DC to work on radical health care reform in Congress *where hopefully I will learn that all Congress-people are not aliens*

… then to South America to do environmental health research in the Amazon rainforest

… and finally back to Johns Hopkins University for a post-bac pre-med program before m.e.d.i.c.a.l s.c.h.o.o.l

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. Agitate. Challenge authority. Never be silenced. Remind Columbia that when they put up a banner up about “neighbors helping neighbors,” they’re still gentrifying colonizing Harlem.

2. Turning off my phone and signing off Gmail for a few hours can bring much peace & clarity.

3. Walking around NYC alone makes me feel alive

“Back in my day…” people bumped into me because they were drunk, not because they were sexting. little kids had no style.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I engage and deconstruct. I love without rules. I know who i want to be – just don’t try asking me what I’m doing more than 2 hours in advance.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? you.live.in.new.york.city…there is no war on fun, there’s just people that are too bored and sexually repressed to think of anything else to complain about.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I could get pretty excited about a fellow vegan, experienced, man

Advice for the class of 2015:
Fail a class
Break someone’s heart
Have your heart broken
(repeat)
…adversity introduces a woman to herself
Also – join ROOTEd

Any regrets?
I regret thinking that if I ever wanted to be a doctor I had to be pre-med right now.
I regret thinking that I should never openly discuss intersections of race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, age, ability, class, socioeconomic status, religon or family background.
I regret thinking that all service is good service.
I regret thinking that there was a right path to anything.
* I’m happy to now replace “regret” with “appreciate.”

Remember when? She does.

Name, school: Sarah Sechan, GS/JTS

Claim to fame: Proud owner of the giant inflatable penis responsible for GiantInflatablePenisGate. Former CUMB Spirit Manager and Wind Ensemble VP. Badass French horn player and Cougar Town aficionado.

Where are you going? I’m staying at the Jewish Theological Seminary for a MA in Jewish Experiential Education and hopefully a Certificate in Israel Education. Following a passion AND putting the real world off for 2 more years! Such multitasking!

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. Just because you got into Columbia doesn’t make you smart.

2. If you put dish towels near an open flame, they will catch fire.

3. Fake it till you make it.

“Back in my day…” You could do legit tunneling, and JTS had 2 meat days a week.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I don’t want to be a rabbi, but I can relate anything to the Bible. I went to band camp but never saw American Pie. Andy is my king.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any stories? The War on Fun has been going on since the beginning of time and will never actually end. That being said, I’ve only been a POW once. Last year, at the nth Fiddler on the Roof pit orchestra party, the party got broken up by an apologetic RA and the only person who got written up was sober. This was my one and only time in Carman.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Cheese. I have 2 wives, so my odds of awesome oral sex are really good. In theory.

Advice for the class of 2015: Visit all 5 boroughs. Know how to spell “borough.” Make friends with the security guards. They’re going to be dealing with your drunk asses for 4 years and if you get on their bad side, you’ll regret it. Find meaningful volunteer work off-campus. Join the marching band. Don’t drink vodkawine.

Any regrets? I stopped drinking vodkawine.

The Austin Quigley Black Box Theater was once temporarily renamed the Ajit C. Pillai Memorial Theater. Next, hear from the Swedish Lerner tech wizard, who hopes to match his father’s record of visiting all six inhabitable continents.

Name, School: Ajit C. Pillai, SEAS ’11.

Claim to Fame: Produced the 116th Annual Varsity Show, active in Columbia Theater, Senior Staff Photographer on Spec, wrote the shortest Spec Senior Column ever, and I built a jet engine this year.

Where are you going? Next year I’ll be doing a masters at the University of Edinburgh in Scotland.

Three Things you learned at Columbia:

A passport photocopy is always a valid form of ID.

Roofs provide the best views of New York City.

“Life’s a bitch, you know? The second law of thermodynamics proves it.” -Pejman Akbari (Turbomachinery Professor).

“Back in my day…” You could access the remains of the cyclotron in the basement of Pupin. I remember getting locked in with some friends on a tunelling adventure. We had to use a credit card to pick a lock to escape.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I have my own twitter trend: #makeajittweet. (Thanks Sarah Dooley).

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? I was once written up for eating a cookie in Hartley my sophomore year. My junior year we were cooking steaks [weekly steak night] in Watt when we set off a fire-alarm. My friends ended up having a hearing about their behavior. I believe the hearing recommended that they take a cooking class to avoid this in the future.

I think the war rages on, but it has definitely subsided. I don’t think I’ve been to a single EC party this year that has been shut down, as compared to freshman year when everything was shut down always. They even let us have a real 40′s on 40 this year

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Yes.

Advice for the class of 2015:

Love every moment that you’re here.

Make friends who are upperclassmen fast (they throw out a lot of good stuff when they graduate).

See the roofs. IAB is still accessible (if you try hard enough), Mudd is great, and NOCO is the highest-point on campus.

Any regrets? Never.

The next illustrious senior worked at a morgue and got naked. Not at the same time, though.

Name, School: Derek Lipscomb, Columbia College

Claim to Fame: An All-American Captain rugby player on the team for the school. Known more for posing nude in Columbia Rugby’s ONLY calendar as Mr. September. (there may be a few still floating around. They’ll come back to haunt me when I’m 45)

Where are you going? I will be staying here in the city and teaching at The Buckley School on E 73rd. I’ll have little 2nd graders to teach and answer all their little questions and hear their speculations on where babies come from, how old is old (so far 17 is ancient to them…). I will also be playing rugby for Old Blue. Olympics 2016 in Rio anyone?

Three things you learned at Columbia:

The first thing I learned is to SEIZE THE FREE… This place is full of free functions, foods, and gifts for the lucky. There’s no way you shouldn’t have a free shirt by now- quit slackin. The 2nd would be that to do something impulsive once in awhile, you’ll look back and thank yourself later (except when posing nude…my dad’s rant on my voicemail remains classic). And 3rd, find a professor you like and LOVE them. Everyone’s going to need a solid recommendation at some point. Why not make it some really smart guy or gal that just wants to sing your praises and talk about you being smart also. When I say love..think Elmyra from Tiny Toon Adventures (yea, I went way back)

“Back in my day…” John Jay had trays and I could fit five plates of food, 2 cups of Lemonade, and sit my fat ass down and slowly clog my arteries. Now I have to exercise and walk through the lines again if I want 3rds or 4ths… “Thought this was ‘Merica!”

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: From an inner-city school in Cincinnati, I know some chances only come once in a lifetime. Trust yourself in your leap(s) of faith, sometimes, you’re all you got.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? I am about to teach 2nd graders math and science! How fun was your 2nd grade year? If you dont remember it, it wasn’t fun enough…or something may have been wrong with your hippocampus..but that’s your problem. To answer the question..NO. And I’m WINNING…DUHHHHH…. Any stories? Hmm… I’d say Eleanor Shi (CC’11) is a catalyst to almost every one of the stories I have in mind. But I feel like my 8 semesters here could have been a movie… Albeit straight-to-dvd but it’d give Robert Ri’chard (Cousin Skeeter’s Cousin) some work…

Would you give up oral sex or cheese? Three words: Bacon Double Cheeseburger…. you tell ME if you can give that up. If you say yes, you’re a whore. (LAWLZ JK)

Advice for Class of 2015: My advice to you is to get involved in something IMMEDIATELY. Outside of class that is. The friends and networking possibilities are endless. Plus the places you will go and sights you will see are amazing. Don’t spend all your time running through the dorms. Get off campus and learn your way around the city early. Socialize outside of your immediate friend zone more often. Talk to people you have nothing in common with; get to know a life that has nothing to do with your own. And take a deep breath once in awhile, you are on one of the greatest campuses this country will ever have, immerse yourself in it.

Regrets? That I didn’t meet recent grad Ruqayyah Abdul-Karim CC’10 sooner, that we didn’t make another rugby calendar, that I didn’t touch Snoop Dogg’s face when I had the chance (damn 8’10 bodyguard), that I didn’t socialize with my professors in their office hours more (do it if you haven’t started already). Also, my biggest regret is that I spent $15 at Five Guys… for those that know me, the net amount of Gummi Bears and Jujubes lost is unfathomable..

Hope you guys enjoyed and good luck with your time here!

Attn to all the English majors and other grammar nazis: I know some of these sentences are not actually proper English, however, if you feel the dire need to correct my statements, (you’re all you got to you’re all you have) feel free. Whatever makes you feel smarter; and chances are, if you are wasting your time on this, those chances don’t come often enough, Enjoy! :D

Name, school: Zach Dyer, CC

Claim to fame: I was a Public Safety officer in the 114th Varsity Show, Managing Editor of The Eye, Spectrum daily and deputy editor, a COHOP leader, and a member of CAVA. But I’m most known as that guy with the highly acclaimed beard who asks for biscotti blended into his frappuccino at Starbucks.

Where are you going? Immediately, I will be substitute “teaching” for the prestigious Worcester Public School system. After that, I’m headed to Boston to study Maternal & Child Public Health at BU.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. Being well spoken can get you out of nearly anything whether it be a deadline or library fines, especially at the hospitality desk. Unless of course Advising gets involved, in which case bureaucracy can and will screw you over.

2. Time with friends is always, ALWAYS more well spent than time chasing girls/guys. If they’re worth it, there wont be a chase to speak of.

3. People really care about spelling and grammar on campus blogs, and the anonymity of the internet allows people to be way shittier than they are in real life.

“Back in my day…” Swiping into a building meant physically swiping your card through some little card reader–none of this tapping business, Vine was the equally confusingly named “Caffe Swish,” and flex was a strictly on-campus commodity.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: Freshman year, they cut down the trees in front of Earl. I stole a slice of one, brought it to MA, sanded it, polyurethaned it, and dated it to 1897.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? I’ve had one run-in with one RA my entire time in Columbia/Barnard housing and that was when my RA junior year asked me to turn down the Justin Bieber. Other than that, my friends and I have climbed trees, mounted statues, snuck onto roofs and into tunnels, drank in public, and had dance parties in the stacks without any protests from The Man. In fact, I’m not even sure there was a war for us to win.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Only one of those makes me gag consistently and it happens to be the same one that can ruin a perfectly delicious hamburger.

Advice for the class of 2015

-If you have the time, walk instead of taking the subway. You’ll see way more of the city that way, and even if it’s just from 72nd home, there’s a lot more in that stretch than you think! On the same note, if you take the subway downtown, you can take the bus back up within 2 hours for free!

-Study off campus, your brain will thank you.

-Look to upperclassmen in your classes and clubs for advice and support, they’re way more reliable than the systems Columbia has in place, but never shy away from using those either. CPS helped me realize how much my mother’s approval means to me! Now I’m a Creative Writing major.

-Getting CAVA’d is not that bad. You can do it as many times as you want (or need) and it will always be free.

-Go on COOP and Write for The Eye.

Any regrets? I should never have come here expecting anything specific. While I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything, there was a while where I had to reconcile my expectations of college with what it was actually offering. Once I got over that, I enjoyed myself way more and did better academically too.

Oh and some serious unrequited love for a XC runner whom I have never met but have pined after for sub-four years.

Name, school: “Roxanne” Unger, CC

Claim to fame: Two things: COÖP Coordinator and sophomore year I ate only one color every day for a week with my roommate Nora Rodriguez. Blue day was the hardest (blueberries and Hpnotiq).

Where are you going? I’ll probably get a professional job or career at some point. Once that’s accomplished, I’m sure I’ll be really busy with meetings, conferences, teleconferences, conference calls, and office gossip –not to mention all the pant suits and memos. So I most likely won’t be reachable by anyone but business associates and professional colleagues. Your best bet will be to try my beeper.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. Rooftops are accessible –don’t take no for an answer.

2. Mice are inevitable, and they will parade about your kitchen like they own the place. I’m talking to you, Melissa.

3. Sometimes you’ll win a free meal at Community by making a dress out of trash, and sometimes Community will burn down before you’re able to use it.

“Back in my day…” Ferris Booth wasn’t all-you-can-eat. I recently ventured back, blacked out, and emerged 2 hours later having eaten my weight in egg salad. Thanks, Columbia?

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: If a Fahrenheit 451–type situation were to come about, I’d be able to recount most of the original Star Wars trilogy by heart. The prequels can go up in flames for all I care.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? Who knows if this perennial struggle will ever truly be over, but think it’s fair to say that the seniors won a decisive victory this year with 40s on 40. The night, however, was not without casualties. In hot pursuit of known criminal Javi Plasencia, I barrel rolled (or was it tripped… I don’t remember) over a chain fence on college walk. In the process I lost my phone and my dignity.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Whoever chooses oral sex for this question has never tasted manchego.

Advice for the class of 2015:

1. Pass/fucking/fail. You should do this every semester. You can always uncover it, so it’s a win-win

2. Never feel guilty about taking a nap. When you need sleep, you need sleep. Personally I think it’s almost always worth it.

3. Don’t freak out if you don’t meet your BFFs in the first week of school. There are sooo many incredible people at Columbia, and you’ll find amazing friends!

4. Do COÖP!!! One of the best decisions you’ll make!

Any regrets? No regrets! I loved my time at Columbia, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I will, though, say this: We’re in this together, COÖP, never tell anyone.

Name, school: Grace Laidlaw, Columbia College

Claim to fame: Director of Nightline (Dec. ’09-Dec. ’10); Scriba, then Whip of the Philolexian Society; Writer for CCT; Maker-upper of puns

Where are you going? Stay tuned. I know I will.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

1. That clothing can be purchased by the pound.

2. That switching to the 2/3 is usually worth the risk.

3. That the swim test requirement is serious business. (The “24 hours after your last exam” rule, not so much.)

“Back in my day…” Uni was Pinnacle, 5 de Mayo was Bengal Café, dining points were worth having, and the Morningside Bible Guy didn’t go below 110th.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: My last UWriting essay was about morality in Titus Andronicus. I titled it “Unsavory Characters.” (… Get it? Get it? Eh, eh?)

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? Honestly, I think we’re doing okay. Then again, I may be biased because I never got over the novelty of staying up late. I still think there’s something inherently fun about being awake after dark, and I’ve found plenty of fellow night owls at Columbia; Philo afterparties routinely last until daylight, and Nightline counselors are up until 3 a.m., even on school nights—really, they haven’t got a choice.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Hrm. I’m guessing head cheese is out either way?

Advice for the class of 2015:

1. Take advantage of free campus theater. Latenite and the KCST spring show in particular are not to be missed.

2. Beg, bribe, or blackmail your way into Nicholas Dames’s Lit Hum section.

3. CC/SEAS kids: If you want a single as a sophomore, apply for LLC housing.

4. Reach out to people. It’s easy to drift apart from the friends you make freshman year, but it’s not inevitable.

5. Relax. No one else has things completely figured out, either. And in case you ever just need to talk, there’s this really great hotline you can call…

Any regrets? Wish I’d stayed indoors more and found an SPF that would protect against fluorescent lighting. I once very nearly got a tan.

Name, school: Jonathan Jager, GS/JTS

Claim to fame: You may remember me from such places as the Marching Band (former Drum Major and Head Bananager) and various campus theatre events (CMTS, KCST, CUP, CUPAL, and the Theatre Department). I was also in an episode of BwogWeather.

Where are you going? Uptown to live, downtown to work. I’ll be moving to Washington Heights and working as an assistant at Big Heart Theatrical. Also looking for freelance composing/arranging/conducting gigs. Let me know if you find any.

Three things you learned at Columbia

(all courtesy of old class notes)

1. About half of English literature is just references to what’s in the Core.

2. The best professors are the funniest professors.

3. Taking notes about historical events in dialogue is much more entertaining.

“Back in my day…” We had real protests. Where are all the hunger strikers/Ahmadinejad-related fiascoes/liberals making the Catholic League angry?

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I turned a vuvuzela into a melodic instrument. I can also tap dance horribly, but shamelessly. I think this redeems me as a human being.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? The War on Fun is a result of the Columbia bureaucracy realizing they have bureaucratic powers. I dealt with this every week during football season. But if you are nice to the right people, you can get pretty much anything you want at this school. As for stories, during the Hunger Strike, I was part of a group that “counter-struck” by standing on the Sundial eating and reading The Joy of Cooking aloud. That’s not really part of the War on Fun, but this seemed like a good place to share that story. Also, if we tried it today, Public Safety would probably stop us.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I gave up cheese 7 years ago when I found out I was lactose intolerant, so this is a non-issue. But if giving up oral sex meant I could digest dairy again, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

Advice for the class of 2015: Spend a summer (or 3) in New York. You can either do all the readings and never go to class, or always go to class and never do the readings, but only one of those options frees up your evenings. Take advantage of the free/cheap cultural offers you can get as a student like you roofied them. And this sounds trite, but seriously, go to a sporting event, especially a football game. What else are you really doing on a Saturday afternoon anyway? Student athletes are people too, and they appreciate a cheering crowd. Plus, I like to think the Marching Band is entertaining.

Any regrets? Not taking Lit Hum when I had the chance. Then I would have gotten all those Core references.

Name, school: Akhil Mehta, SEAS

Claim to fame: Former publisher of the Columbia Spectator and one time water polo “freshman phenom”

Where are you going? First to Europe with Doug Yolen and Keshal Patel, then to a cubicle in midtown.

Three things you learned at Columbia:

Columbia always thinks of you as a liability, especially when you think throwing oranges at Ruggles from John Jay is a good idea (its not).

For 99% of people on this campus, it is possible to get 8 hours of sleep a night without sacrificing academics, fun, or friends.

How to efficiently model stochastic processes, simulate random variables, assign probabilities to anything, optimally bid at auctions, and manage inventory. These skills are surprisingly applicable in the real world.

“Back in my day…” JJ’s was the place to be and actually had good food, there were hunger strikes, protests, and “bias incidents”, and the Morton Williams receipts said “Welcome class of 2011”…oh wait, that still exists.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: When the Toronto Maple Leafs win a Stanley Cup I will be the guy with the sign that says “Now I can die in peace.” Also, I’ve worn a kilt.

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? I think the seniors won the war on 40s on 40; that was an awesome evening and went undisturbed. I don’t have any personal war stories, a combination of being friends with RAs and abiding by the “if they can’t see it, hear it, or smell it, it doesn’t exist” rule.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? One is a means to an end and one is an end in itself. If you can get the end, I say give up the means.

Advice for the class of 2015:

1) Find an activity that you’re passionate about with people you like. You don’t have to be the best at it, but the people you meet will become some of your best friends at Columbia.

2) Explore the campus – there are tunnels, roofs, hidden study (or do something more scandalous) spots, and a room full of pillows.

3) Live in John Jay – if you want quiet and solitude, close your door. If you want to hang out with people, they’re always around. And you’d be surprised how many people you can fit into a John Jay single; I think our record was 30.

4) Take floor hockey, it’s the best PE class

Any regrets? Not taking a Gulati econ class, missing the 114th Varsity Show, never watching a football game, doing an RA sponsored citywide scavenger hunt sophomore year, not being able to take a language, only figuring out CampusFood was awesome two weeks ago, and only taking floor hockey four semesters.

Name, school: Alyssa Lamontagne, Columbia College

Claim to fame: In the immortal words of the Barenaked Ladies, “I have a history of taking off my shirt.” I wish that weren’t so true.

On a more serious note, I was the Editor in Chief of C-Spot for the last two issues, the token silly old man in King’s Crown Shakespeare Troupe, and most importantly, I founded the Columbia Class of 2011 Facebook Group, which rocketed a simple loudmouthed Canadian to fame and fortune for approximately two weeks.

Where are you going? I’ll be living uptown for about a month while looking for a job until I move to White Plains with my handsome American boyfriend. I’m Canadian and so I get a year to work in this fine country until I get shipped back up North. All of this is just to pass the time, of course, until I write the great Can-American novel or else find myself a grumpy, embittered public school teacher with three cats and two chin hairs, which I assume will grow as soon as I fail to achieve my dreams.

Three things you learned at Columbia

1. A few people here actually believe Canada is made of permafrost, but most people don’t. The idea that Americans are fairly knowledgable about other countries isn’t popular in Canada. There are a lot of extremely intelligent, open-minded people in this country who have made me want to stay, even though I’ve had people back home call me a traitor.

2. Some things just aren’t worth fighting about. I used to argue about everything before I got here, especially politics. A year on John Jay Nine with my dear but super conservative friend Big Texas taught me that some people are just never going to agree with you no matter what, and often it’s far more pleasant to change the subject than to sit there arguing over a fence in Arizona.

3. Sometimes it feels really great to get naked with your friends. After a few months of hiking your breasts up to your neck it’s easy to feel that your body exists only for the amusement of others, which is kind of scary. Getting naked with the people you care about in a non-sexual way invokes a freedom and a feeling of personal ownership over those great boobs of yours, even if it’s only in a shirts-off-o’clock context.

“Back in my day…” Obama wasn’t president. No matter what your politics are, it has drastically affected the way Columbia students perceive ourselves within America. After Obama became president we were innately tied to the American identity, despite being perceived as an ultra-liberal institution. I’ve seen some of my friends go from being ashamed of their country to moderately cool with their country.

But that’s just, like, my opinion, man.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I’m aggressively friendly and may have even helped introduce you to a new friend. That friend might be me, but that’s even better, right? Right?

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? Half of the parties I attend in EC are still broken up by public safety, so I’m going to give a resounding no to that first question. Then again, ever since the Bond Party first year (the glory of which we have come close to but never been able to duplicate), I haven’t considered a party legitimate unless it’s broken up by the NYPD and you’re running down the stairs in a giant pack of girls in underwear, desperately trying to chug a stolen forty before you get out on the street.

It’s not conclusive, but from the murmurings I hear about the next few days, I think we may win it by the end.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? I would gladly choose death.

Advice for the class of 2015:

- Like my friend Mke Kennelly said, have a few different friend groups. If you expand your base, you’ll never be stuck going to something alone and awkwardly standing in a corner just because your friends didn’t want to go.

- The best cure for a hangover is a bottle of vitamin water and an egg and cheese from Nussbaum.

- Make friends with your dorm’s security guards, and treat them nicely. That goes for anyone that you encounter. In the world. Ever.

- Get a job. Get multiple jobs. And go to them. Now’s the time to learn how to be a real person.

- Get internships. Shitty, unpaid internships or paid ones, it doesn’t matter. You will need them so you do not become a crazy homeless cat lady like me.

- Get naked and love your body and accept compliments with grace. Accept insults with humor. Enjoy your jiggly bits.

- You may have one or more mental breakdowns while you’re here, but everybody hurts sometimes. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, because that shit is free for the first ten sessions.

- Have fun in the manner that most suits you. If you want to stay in on Friday nights and have LAN parties, then do it, but relax, for God’s sake.

Any regrets? I regret nothing that I’ve done; I regret only those things I didn’t do.

Name, school: James Dawson, CC 11

Claim to fame: Pissing off Eric Foner. I wrote a Spec article suggesting that Columbia should do more to promote conservative scholarship (i’m fairly progressive), and Foner didn’t care for it. At all. He started out his 280-person “United States in the era of civil war & reconstruction” class with a rant about why I suck.

Where are you going? Yale law school in the fall. And then to Austin, Texas.

Three things you learned at Columbia

1. People who do crazy amounts of work are doing college wrong.

2. Not all investment bankers are bad people.

3. The shortcut on koopa troopa beach.

“Back in my day…” this question was not asked on senior wisdoms. Seriously, though, back in my day, there used to be tennis courts overlooking broadway where noco is now. My Columbia tour guide called it “the best place to play tennis in the city.” So much for that.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: My dad is a timber farmer. I know how to fell a tree. Also, the names and parties of all 100 senators. I’ve been to every state? Intramural kickball champion?

Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? There was, of course, the notorious ruggles paint party in 2009. an entire suite covered in finger paintings, Jackson Pollock knock-offs, and one really creepy clown (it glowed in the dark). It took two hours of folks walking in and out of ruggles literally covered in paint for the poor public safety lady to realize something was up.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? My high school economics teacher once used “consumption of cheese cubes” as the perfect example of diminishing marginal returns. Not so with oral sex.

Advice for the class of 2015

For some reason—and I really do believe this—the smartest people i’ve met here have also been the nicest. Be kind!

Otherwise: do independent studies, make time for pleasure reading, do the stop and chat on college walk, be a tour guide, do intramurals. Listen to this american life!

Final pearl of wisdom: if you show up at columbia and someone you meet seems cool to you, ask them out. People tend to get involved in relationships quickly. Don’t get left behind.

Any regrets? Not taking sailing for my pe!