A trifle frustrated by his team’s inability to score any points against Penn last Saturday, head football coach and august leader Norries Wilson held a rather incendiary press conference following the game, during which he embarked on a rant of symphonic proportions. Here Bwog recaps the diatribe about everything related to football ever in a form Beethoven and Mozart (or anyone taking Music Hum) would understand.

I. ALLEGRO FURIOSO. “I can’t talk about that, but I can talk about the fact that the only person here that treats us with a modicum of respect is [Penn] Coach [Al] Bagnoli.  I say that because there are assistant coaches who say to their recruits, ‘Don’t go to Columbia, because it’s a bad school.’…I say that because there are administrators at the University of Pennsylvania…that tell our kids that they go to a JV school…so he’s [Bagnoli’s] the only one that treats us with any respect.” 

II. ADAGIO LAMENTOSO. “A lot of people are happy that Columbia loses…but if you hand it to Penn, none of you could drop a coverage or a front.  So I’m tired of hearing about it!  If you want to coach them, come coach them if you know so much about football.” (Bwog thinks a good start would be getting a quarterback who can complete forward passes.) 

III. SCHERZO: ALLEGRETTO CON FUOCO. “They [the team] works their butts off every week, and all people do is put ‘em down…They’re gonna win games.  They got no choice but to win games.” (Here Bwog disagrees, as it’s impossible to win games with a score of zero.) 

IV. FINALE: PRESTO APPASSIONATO. “If you wanna know why I went for it on fourth down, it’s ‘cause our defense is damn good…I was trying to give our kids an opportunity to play…This league doesn’t want a strong Columbia football team, because everyone else in the league looks at Columbia like, at least they’re gonna get their one conference win of the year.  Well, that’s gonna change!…and some people…are gonna start respectin’ these young men!  You’re gonna treat them with respect because they don’t disrespect anyone…They work their butts off, so you’re not gonna complain about how bad they are…writin’ your negative articles.” 

And finally, the triumphant CODA, quoting the second movement: “If you know so much about football, right now: what subprotection is?” A few missed notes – er, jumbled words – hardly lessens the profound catharsis.

Hopefully Dartmouth’s head coach will be saying some of the same things after tomorrow’s showdown between the two doormats of the Ivy League.

– Christopher Morris-Lent