Feb

28

It’s Just A Shot Away: Assassins Kill Reports

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Less than a week after the start of CU Assassins,169 of the 240 agents have fallen, with more soon to come. Dissapointingly, the death reports show few exotic locations.  Probably the closest to an exception is this all-caps report:

Deceased: Red Devil

Time of Death: Tuesday, February 27 at 09:39 AM

Location: A GATED COMMUNITY

Summary of Death: THE BOURGEOIS KILLER WILL NOT STOP UNTIL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU BLOOD, SWEAT, AND SURPLUS-VALUE SUCKING VERMIN ARE WIPED OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET.

For a show of equality, however, another killer eliminated a more helpful member of society

Deceased: Havarti

Time of Death: Thursday, February 22 at 11:48 PM

Location of Death: St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital

Summary of Death: After I infiltrated St.Luke’s posing as Agent Havarti’s friend, an unsuspecting doctor led me through the ER straight to my victim and even pointed him out to me. I made certain my target and approached for the kill. He now joins the ranks of those he had so kindly attended to as a volunteer. Oh, the irony.

Cruel tricks did not all involve hospitals

 

Deceased: The Russian

Time of Death: Friday, February 23 at 02:03 AM

Location of Death: John Jay 8 Bathroom

Summary of Death: Killer pretended to be drunk and throwing up in toilet… victim kindly offered water… left to room to get water… came back.. dead. end

While some reports were so boring that they had to be true, others were clearly fictionalized. Of those, this was the best.

Deceased: Naptime

Time of Death: Sunday, February 25 at 12:42 AM

Location of Death: Carman

Summary of Death: Assassin dressed up in drag and posted up on corner outside of carman. Agent Naptime, predictably, propositioned the disguised assassin for a good time. Needless to say, naptime learned his lesson for such lewd behavior.

 

Finally, this kill report got the reward for concise wording that actually said something.

Deceased: Cardinal

Time of Death: Sunday, February 25 at 09:49 PM

Location of Death: Spec office

Summary of Death: Didn’t you remember? I’m retired.

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14 Comments

  1. finally  

    Finally! Some Assassins coverage!

  2. roger moore  

    ...the greatest bond!

  3. sorry  

    but the greatest bond was, is and ever shall be Sean Connery. End of discussion.

    Continue to disagree and you may find yourself both shaken and stirred.

  4. you know  

    RIP Agent Naptime. If only you had accepted my offer of 1/16 sex you might have been just satisfied enough to avoid walking into an obvious trap...

  5. you know  

    Perhaps if I were feeling exceptionally lonely and vunerable you'd get your additional 15/16 sex, Agent Naptime. That means you are going to have to work harder to destroy my self-esteem. It's been a long time since you last told me, "You're a horrible person," and, "No one will ever love you."

  6. Anonymous  

    Ok, you CU Assassins really know how to enjoy yourself. but you definitely take it way to far when every single word that comes out of your mouth for the week pertains to the game. SHUT UP! No one cares about that crap and have better things to do. kthanksbye.

  7. Tom  

    Red Devil, that's me. My suitemate shot me in my sleep. He's the bourgeois, not me! Mofo. I'm not a bougie, I'm just french.

  8. Clementine  

    What is the address of the kill report website?

  9. spellcheck?  

    it's "disappointing". please.

  10. cuassassins  

    more kill reports at secure.cuengineering.com

  11. kill reports

    are some of the most fun things to read.

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