It’s Just A Shot Away: Assassins Kill Reports
Written by Bwog Staff
Less than a week after the start of CU Assassins,169 of the 240 agents have fallen, with more soon to come. Dissapointingly, the death reports show few exotic locations. Probably the closest to an exception is this all-caps report:
Deceased: Red Devil
Time of Death: Tuesday, February 27 at 09:39 AM
Location: A GATED COMMUNITY
Summary of Death: THE BOURGEOIS KILLER WILL NOT STOP UNTIL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU BLOOD, SWEAT, AND SURPLUS-VALUE SUCKING VERMIN ARE WIPED OFF THE FACE OF THE PLANET.
For a show of equality, however, another killer eliminated a more helpful member of society
Time of Death: Thursday, February 22 at 11:48 PM
Location of Death: St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital
Summary of Death: After I infiltrated St.Luke’s posing as Agent Havarti’s friend, an unsuspecting doctor led me through the ER straight to my victim and even pointed him out to me. I made certain my target and approached for the kill. He now joins the ranks of those he had so kindly attended to as a volunteer. Oh, the irony.
Cruel tricks did not all involve hospitals
Deceased: The Russian
Time of Death: Friday, February 23 at 02:03 AM
Location of Death: John Jay 8 Bathroom
Summary of Death: Killer pretended to be drunk and throwing up in toilet… victim kindly offered water… left to room to get water… came back.. dead. end
While some reports were so boring that they had to be true, others were clearly fictionalized. Of those, this was the best.
Time of Death: Sunday, February 25 at 12:42 AM
Location of Death: Carman
Summary of Death: Assassin dressed up in drag and posted up on corner outside of carman. Agent Naptime, predictably, propositioned the disguised assassin for a good time. Needless to say, naptime learned his lesson for such lewd behavior.
Finally, this kill report got the reward for concise wording that actually said something.
Time of Death: Sunday, February 25 at 09:49 PM
Location of Death: Spec office
Summary of Death: Didn’t you remember? I’m retired.