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Decision Time

For all you prefrosh across America (don’t worry, you won’t actually be called a “frosh” when you get there), the time is coming to decide for college – in fact, you have less than a week left. To help you decide in a very unhelpful way (you’ll never  know for sure anyway), Bwog has compiled two lists:

You SHOULD come to Columbia if:

1. Lions are your favorite animal

2. You like big cities and small spaces

3.You can deal with both bureaucratic horseshit and your roommate growing mushrooms in horseshit.

4.(If Jewish) You got a cool yarmulke you want to show off.

5. You’re not enough of a tool to feel at home at Harvard, Yale, or Princeton.

6. You want to spend your money on a fake ID so you can spend more money on your alcohol.

7. You want to get your intellectual name-dropping down, so you can win arguments by saying things like “grip tha canon like Fanon”

8. You don’t mind pretentious kids who use words like “problematize,” “farcical,” and “diametrically” in every class comment.

You SHOULDN’T come here if:

1. You were traumatized by a Lion at a circus when you were eight, and never got over it.

2. You like small cities and big spaces

3. You never learned to deal with bureaucracy because you went to private school, and never dealt with farming because you grew up in a city or suburb.

4. (If Jewish) You’re not ready to be recruited by like, five fucking Hillels or something.   

5. You’re not enough of an asshole to feel at home here.

6. You want to spend money on furniture (because you think you’ll have a place to
put it)

7. You want to get your sports name-dropping down, so you can win arguments by saying things like “yeah, well we still kicked your ass in the Rose Bowl”

8. Your reaction to pretentious bullshit is so diametrically opposed to any non-farcical positive response that you can’t even begin to problematize it.

“You do not understand my words, but you must choose.”

– DHI

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26 Comments

  • the prefrosh says:

    @the prefrosh “fell at home?”

    1. oof says:

      @oof You SHOULD come to Columbia if:
      you want to be around posters like #1 all the time.

      and as far as spec reports it, if you do want the mushrooms, you should go to barnard since they’ll be growing in your hallway.

  • GERF says:

    @GERF Eat a camel’s bunghole, prefrosh. Spelling Natioanl Socialists such as yourself aren’t welcome here.

  • hrrlh says:

    @hrrlh funny stuff bwog!

  • sooo true says:

    @sooo true “five fucking Hillels”
    hahahahha

    1. jew? says:

      @jew? who still email you all the time, despite the fact you ARENT FUCKING JEWISH, YOU JUST HAVE DARK HAIR.

      1. On that note says:

        @On that note I want to know which group sold my e-mail address to “Barnard Mujeres.” I don’t go to Barnard, y no soy mujer!

    2. Yeah, really... says:

      @Yeah, really... I’m not even Jewish but apparently my last name sounds Jewish enough or something, cause all of those organizations call me/send me e-mails, despite my protestations.

  • I chose says:

    @I chose the ball. and your mother…in death

  • gabe says:

    @gabe david iscoe and jester are not funny

    1. ebag says:

      @ebag Jester is not funny, but this Iscoe article is solid work.

      1. DHI says:

        @DHI Fuck you, everything I (or anyone) wrote for Jester is better than this.

        1. DHI says:

          @DHI which I did not entirely write in any case as it started from staff contributions.

          1. unbiased observer says:

            @unbiased observer jester’s decent. their CUSJ stunt was tops.

  • Sprinkles says:

    @Sprinkles Number 5 for the win!

  • Pablo Stump says:

    @Pablo Stump Disco this article was great

  • Jeser rules says:

    @Jeser rules and David Iscoe is the king of happiness.

  • Also says:

    @Also Gabe Morris is still cranky over Jester’s CUSJ prank.

    Long live the King of Spain.

  • Nice says:

    @Nice Shogun assasin reference

  • nice ratm ref says:

    @nice ratm ref …and pass the shells to my classmates

  • spawn of horseshit says:

    @spawn of horseshit if only i had known earlier! i’m going to go call your roommate.

  • CUSJ says:

    @CUSJ is printed in a sweatshop by underpaid work-study students.

    1. I would says:

      @I would have stopped at “CUSJ is printed.”
      That’s enough of a crime isn’t it?

  • great post says:

    @great post funny stuff. this is why i keep checking bwog.

    1. oh. says:

      @oh. thats interesting i never thought about that perspective…
      i actually only check it because i have no life/dont do my work/am bored out of my mind. i guess that explains why most of my comments are meaningless, whiny, angry, or just plain starting shit

  • well says:

    @well DHI is just as terrible and horrible, if not worse, than CML.

    Please get rid of them both!

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