For all you prefrosh across America (don’t worry, you won’t actually be called a “frosh” when you get there), the time is coming to decide for college – in fact, you have less than a week left. To help you decide in a very unhelpful way (you’ll never know for sure anyway), Bwog has compiled two lists:
You SHOULD come to Columbia if:
1. Lions are your favorite animal
2. You like big cities and small spaces
3.You can deal with both bureaucratic horseshit and your roommate growing mushrooms in horseshit.
4.(If Jewish) You got a cool yarmulke you want to show off.
5. You’re not enough of a tool to feel at home at Harvard, Yale, or
6. You want to spend your money on a fake ID so you can spend more money on your alcohol.
7. You want to get your intellectual name-dropping down, so you can win arguments by saying things like “grip tha canon like Fanon”
8. You don’t mind pretentious kids who use words like “problematize,” “farcical,” and “diametrically” in every class comment.
1. You were traumatized by a Lion at a circus when you were eight, and never got over it.
2. You like small cities and big spaces
3. You never learned to deal with bureaucracy because you went to private school, and never dealt with farming because you grew up in a city or suburb.
4. (If Jewish) You’re not ready to be recruited by like, five fucking Hillels or something.
5. You’re not enough of an asshole to feel at home here.
6. You want to spend money on furniture (because you think you’ll have a place to
7. You want to get your sports name-dropping down, so you can win arguments by saying things like “yeah, well we still kicked your ass in the Rose Bowl”
8. Your reaction to pretentious bullshit is so diametrically opposed to any non-farcical positive response that you can’t even begin to problematize it.
“You do not understand my words, but you must choose.”