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Meleagris Gallopavo

Dean Peter Awn sent out this email to all GS students earlier today, subject line: “Meleagris Gallopavo.” (That’s the Wild Turkey, to you plebs) If this (or this) doesn’t get you in the mood for Thanksgiving, we don’t know what will.

Dear Students,

They cluck, they flail, they fold their necks back to catch the rain
and drown—meleagris gallopavo is, in Ben Franklin’s opinion, more
American than the bald eagle.  In its domesticated version, however,
it exhibits a diminished intellectual capacity equaled only by members
of Congress.  Perhaps that is why the bird is so thoroughly American.

Whether you want to or not, you must this festive Thursday consume the
tasteless treat, whose cardboard like texture is renowned around the
globe.  In order for you to steel yourself for this culinary trial,
you will need to dedicate time this evening to meditate, fast, and, if
necessary, flagellate yourself with a drumstick.  May the loving aura
of the Cosmic Turkey embrace you tomorrow and for many years to come.
Have the happiest of Thanksgiving holidays!

Peter J. Awn

Dean

Columbia University School of General Studies

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6 Comments

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous I fuckin hate those GS old disqualified adults who pretend to be Columbia students. They should be expelled all together without bearing Columbia’s name.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Awn is the pleb, the species is supposed to be in lower case, “Meleagris gallopavo”

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous What an awnsome guy.

  • ... says:

    @... the dean is awn drugs

  • LOVE says:

    @LOVE I <3 Dean Awn.

    1. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous He’s a BAMF

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