Dean Peter Awn sent out this email to all GS students earlier today, subject line: “Meleagris Gallopavo.” (That’s the Wild Turkey, to you plebs) If this (or this) doesn’t get you in the mood for Thanksgiving, we don’t know what will.
They cluck, they flail, they fold their necks back to catch the rain
and drown—meleagris gallopavo is, in Ben Franklin’s opinion, more
American than the bald eagle. In its domesticated version, however,
it exhibits a diminished intellectual capacity equaled only by members
of Congress. Perhaps that is why the bird is so thoroughly American.
Whether you want to or not, you must this festive Thursday consume the
tasteless treat, whose cardboard like texture is renowned around the
globe. In order for you to steel yourself for this culinary trial,
you will need to dedicate time this evening to meditate, fast, and, if
necessary, flagellate yourself with a drumstick. May the loving aura
of the Cosmic Turkey embrace you tomorrow and for many years to come.
Have the happiest of Thanksgiving holidays!
Peter J. Awn
Columbia University School of General Studies