You too can be this classy

Bwog reported about a policy change for alcohol in freshman residence halls: there are no (officially) dry dorms on campus anymore, as far as we can surmise, although you must be 21 to drink. “But who could this apply to?” we hear a skeptic enquire. (“Did you mean ‘To whom could this apply?’?”) Most obviously this change would impact students who are relatively old for their class. However, another drastically underserved demographic also exists: seniors who want to get trashed in freshman residence halls. Here are some guidelines for any alcohol tourists looking to visit the stomping ground of their youth.

Preparation for the game*:

1. Enter your dorm of choice, laden with at least one six pack, one bottle of wine, and a bottle of the second cheapest whiskey sold at international. Optional: three mini bottles of Ketel One.
2. Slide two IDs slowly across the security desk. Wink and nod just enough times to ensure that the guard cannot help but notice. If possible, change your CUID photo in advance so an image of you wearing a party hat with a “21” badge on your chest comes up on his/her screen.
3. Find a location. Preferably a wild looking “private residence hall room of another contractually assigned occupant who is also 21 years of age or older,” where you know some crazy freshman year-style shit might go down.

*In accordance with Columbia policy, this is not a competitive drinking “game,” but rather a freethinking exchange of ideas about alcohol.

Chug a beer when:

• The door hits the bed, or another piece of furniture.
• Someone says “weird,” “nostalgia” or “why are you here?”
• You see a Breakfast at Tiffany’s poster.

Drink a glass of wine when:

• You’re invited to a wine and cheese party.
• You’re invited to a Platonic Symposium.
• You realize you actually bought 5% abv “wine product” from Morton Williams.
• You want to look like an asshole. You’re in a freshman dorm for God’s sake.

Take a shot of whiskey when:

• There is totally the smell of pot coming from that door, but the RA isn’t doing anything!
• Someone has sex four feet away from you.

Bonus Round: Visit your freshman year room.  Drink one mini bottle if you:

• Knock on the door.
• See your freshman year girlfriend/boyfriend in bed with the current occupant.
• Break down crying wondering what you’ve accomplished in the past three years.

When the inevitable happens, and you vomit all over a communal bathroom, leave it there for at least two days and then down a shot of Febreeze.