And I set fireeeeee, TO THE CORE.

Writing essays is a skill that Bwog just doesn’t have time to develop. So here is our go-to guide for spitting out grade B (we hope) midterm exam essays for your two favorite courses. Just fill in the blanks and watch your professor’s boredom grow. 

Literature Humanities:

This passage, from (old white guy’s last name) is quoted from (climactic scene) in (The Iliad/Odyssey/Oresteia/Oedipus/Bible/etc). (Main character) is in the middle of (a battle/realizing he fucked his mother and killed his father/creating the world in seven days) when he says (first bit of dialogue from the passage that seems vaguely relevant). At surface level, this (word that means “means”) (inane surface level comment) but in the broader context of the work, it (another word that means “means”) (deep, insightful comment relating passage to rest of the work/something about the patriarchy). Further evidence can be found by examining (random big word from the passage). By using (word), (author) is suggesting that (war sucks/war is great/you shouldn’t sleep with your mother/something about obedience).

(Pick a second section of the passage and repeat.)

These (number of readings you’ve actually done plus two) lines therefore demonstrate that (same dead white dude from before) is addressing not only (war/why Athena doesn’t care about mothers/fate vs free will, but also (something that sounds deep). Therefore, (half assed concluding sentence about larger implications of work).

Contemporary Civilizations: 

What is (vague concept)? For (probs Plato because you didn’t read past Republic), it meant (over simplification of major philosophical work). In (ok wait is it The Republic or just Republic??), society’s final cause is the achievement of (vague concept again). The means by which (vague concept yet again) is achieved include (something that vaguely sounds like socialism/communism). However, (can only be “his” because we don’t read lady philosophers) schema for (vague concept again again holy crap) is complicated by the fact that (entirely baseless “complication” proposed by a 19-year-old). This complication suggests that perhaps (synonym for concept because this paragraph is terrible and redundant) is unattainable. Furthermore, (something about dialectic, just because). Therefore, (the meaning of life).

A horrible practice via ShutterStock