Jack and Jill slide down the hill. In a daring position.
The Polar Vortex is upon us. But what does this mean for your sex life? BwogSex is proud to bring you a definitive how-to guide on doing the dirty in the pur(ity) white snow. If you have any sexy thoughts or comments, please send them in to our anonymous tip form.And finally, just remember that sex is only sexy if it is consensual.
To prepare for your romp in winter wonderland, first ask yourself a few important questions:
Have you removed all metal genital piercings?
What is the freezing point of your favorite lubrication? (Must be above 32 degrees Fahrenheit).
If you are still willing to brave the cold for a steamy session of hide the sausage, follow these steps:
Take off your clothes and wear a colorful bathrobe of your choice. This will be your disguise when walking outside. Your neighbors will think “Oh, they must be looking for their newspaper or grabbing a coffee down the street.”
Find a concealed location outside to bump and grind. This could include: a low hanging tree, a dumpster, the alley next to Mudd, Central Park (just kidding that’s way too far) or the courtyard in the International Affairs Building.
Debate what position would be best: Husky style, treehugger, the snowplow, the salt-spreader, etc.
Decide to stay standing because the ground is way too fucking cold.
To set the mood, blow sexy white dragon breath on your partner’s neck while simultaneously holding their ears to keep them warm.
Suggest they put their hands near your genitals to keep them warm. It’s science.
Remind them that shrinkage is real, and you/they are actually really big.
Incorporate snow into your play. Make little snowmen on each other and watch them NOT MELT CAUSE ITS SO FUCKING COLD.
Finally, do the deed. Stay “inside” longer cause it’s warmer there.
Some things to note about having sex outside in the Polar Vortex.
Orgasm tears will freeze.
Your tongue will get stuck in places that could be hard to explain to CAVA. Proceed licking with caution.
Frostbite is a real thing; it brings a whole new meaning to “blue balls.”
Now that you sexsuccessfully had sex outside during the Polar Vortex, go inside and drink some hot chocolate while snuggling. Remember, you are actually a good person.