Steering you in the right direction

With the major declaration deadline for sophomores coming up on March 13, Bwog decided to help you out. Not with what you should major in. That’s a tricky question. But we can tell you what you should definitely not major in unless you want to be very unhappy.

1. What frightens you?

• a. The word “performativity.”
• b. Investment banking.
• c. Technology taking over the world.
• d. Getting onstage and performing.
• e. Blood and guts.

2. What is the biggest struggle you’ve had lately?

• a. Trying to write a giant-ass paper.
• b. Math.
• c. Trying to make my computer/phone/printer cooperate.
• d. Slipping and falling on the ice.
• e. Waking up. I need my 8 hours.

3. Why are you taking this quiz?

• a. To avoid thinking about this paper I have to write.
• b. Because it seemed intellectually interesting.
• c. It’s pretty low-tech.
• d. I don’t want to move or do anything.
• e. Because I have no clue what major to avoid or even what to major in.

4. What is your worst quality? You’re–

• a. Apathetic.
• b. Timid.
• c. Lazy.
• d. Clumsy.
• e. Selfish.

5. Your least favorite campus library is:

• a. Butler.
• b. Lehman.
• c. NoCo.
• d. I just love being in the library.
• e. Mudd’s Science and Engineering Library.

6. You wish Columbia had less/fewer:

• a. Protests.
• b. Econ majors.
• c. Technology.
• d. People wearing leggings as pants.
• e. Homework.

Since our commenters rightfully reminded us that adding can be a struggle,  just count up which letter you got the most. A tie is even more instructive, as it will alert you to multiple majors you should avoid.

Mostly a’s: Women’s and Gender Studies – You don’t want to hear feminists talk about feminism and performativity and sexual politics. You might even be an anti-feminist. In any case, steer clear of a Women’s and Gender Studies major.

Mostly b’s: Economics – The idea of stocks and suits and Wall Street and statistics freaks you out. Bwog feels you. We had to drop Statistics and that’s probably the easiest of the courseload. If you were planning to declare Economics before taking this quiz, it’s time to reassess your life.

Mostly c’s: Computer Science – You don’t know how to operate basic user-friendly technology. You may have struggled with your microwave or smartphone. Bwog has determined that CompSci is not for you.

Mostly d’s: Dance – You’re clumsy and awkward, despite your best intentions. Don’t worry, Bwog is confident you have loads of other attributes! But we hope you’re not majoring in dance, unless you want to do interpretive dance exploring the clumsiness of the human form.

Mostly e’s: Biomedical Engineering – Science is gross. Bodily functions are gross. Excessive loads of homework are gross. Bwog doesn’t blame you. We hope you’re not headed for a biomedical engineering major because frankly, Bwog isn’t sure you’ve got what it takes.

Twists and turns via Shutterstock