We can’t make this shit up.

Some colleges have golf courses, like Vassar and St. Andrews and probably a lot of other bougie schools Bwog doesn’t know about. But hey! Columbia is bougie, too! Why can’t we have a golf course? Don’t worry—we do. Chief Conspiracy Theorist Lauren Beltrone, BC ’17, brings us this guide to but a few of Columbia’s storied fairways. Attempt if you dare.

We all know about that one golf hole on the roof between Hamilton and Hartley. It’s got a well-manicured putting green (this is Columbia, after all, our lawns are always impeccable), some rough, and even a little sand trap to keep you from playing too cocky. One could speculate about the nature of this hole endlessly, but clearly the important question to consider is this: if you had the resources to make one golf hole, why wouldn’t you just make 17 more?

That’s right folks, the rumors you’ve been hearing are true. Ham/Hart is merely hole 6 of Columbia’s par-72 course that spans the entire campus. It’s on the roofs, it’s in the tunnels, it’s in PrezBo’s house, and it’s right in front of your eyes. So fugetabout Long Island, here are a few of our favorite holes from Columbia Country Club’s best-kept secret.

Hole 1: Beta.
Smoke some green and then hit the green, ja feel? The course begins on Beta’s roof and offers picturesque views into vomit-stained Carman dorms. Très chic!

Hole 4: Butler.
Maybe you’ve gotten it in the hole in the stacks, but you haven’t lived until you par this challenging hole above all those writers you pretended to have read in Lit Hum and CC.

Hole 7: Furnald.
Deep below the floors of Furnald Hall lies the 7th hole, a par 5 that undulates through the tunnels. Commonly known as the best golf spectators at the University, residents of Furnald always provide golfers with a peaceful ambience.

Hole 9: St. A’s.
Home to the descendants of the original creators of golf, St. Anthony’s Hall also invites players to check out their fully stocked pro-shop and elegant bar perfect for mid-round cigars and whiskeys. Golfers beware, though, wouldn’t want to break their chandelier with an errant shot!

Hole 15: PrezBo’s House.
After recently undergoing a $1 million facelift, hole 15 is a stunning scale model of the Manhattanville campus. Don’t forget to collect your free “Global University” monogrammed Titleist golf balls at the end of the hole.

Hole 18: Low.
Hole 18 is arguably the most difficult hole of the course due to the two distractingly phallic water hazards on either side of the green. Players must also hit the owl hidden in Alma Mater’s robes in order to complete the course. Happy hunting!

Golf not your game? Try croquet. And don’t forget to wear your salmon shorts.