“I’m not like a regular professor. I’m a cool professor.”

Depending on how good you are at working the registration system, you’re probably almost done with your first week of the new semester. Give yourself a pat on the back (unless you have Friday classes, in which case you should look up at the dark sky and scream, “why?!”). Though the week’s not quite over, we wanted to share our favorite gems from your professors as they strive to set themselves apart and make good/ terrifying first impressions.

“First you start thinking about your grandma having sex. Then you start thinking… she might have enjoyed it.” — Erik Gray

“This is my cell phone number. Call me at reasonable hours. If you break up with your significant other, that’s fine. This is a class in databases, I am an expert in entities and relationships.” — Alexandros Biliris, Introduction to Databases

“Anyone who calls Shakespeare ‘The Bard’ is just not someone you want to hang out with” — Molly Murray, Shakespeare I

“I’ll send you the video of these nerds after class” — Also Molly Murray, in reference to a video of Shakespearean pronunciation

“Some of you are just here for the global core. We’re gonna go global on your asses.” — Audra Simpson, Native America

“When my daughter was seven she was asked what Daddy’s job was and answered, ‘He’s a criticizer.’ Good enough summation of what I do.” — Bruce Robbins, The Art of The Novel

“In lectures, I call the TA’s the United Nations Observers. That’s because the United Nations only observes and doesn’t do anything.” — George Saliba, Intro to Islamic Civilization

“I can’t tell if that’s art or a door.” — Branden Joseph, Minimalism & Postminimalism

“You can get the homework right by copying someone else’s homework” — Unnamed stochastic models proffessor

“If you have a laptop you have to sit in the corner over there. That is the Laptop Ghetto.” — Joseph Patterson, Origins of the Universe: From Babylon to the Big Bang

“The map is in Italian, but you can see the continent.” — Caterina Pizzigoni, Latin American Civilization, in a “nearly unintelligible Italian accent”

Opening remarks MVPs:

Georgette Fleischer, First Year English and Luddite Queen:

• “I don’t own a cell phone.”
• “I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve watched a television show.”
• “You all need a paperback dictionary.”

Adam Cannon, Engineering E1006:

• “You can think of it [python] as a more ghetto version of MATLAB.”
• “How many of you are non-SEAS students? [three hands] How does it feel to not know anyone in the class?”
• “You come from New York so you’re not as afraid of people as other scientists and engineers.”
• “Don’t follow the money follow your heart. If poetry was your thing I’d say still say follow your heart, but get used to poverty.”

Cool mom via Shutterstock