Make a good first impression by not having an android.

We’ve heard through the grapevine (ahem…tips@bwog.com) that shit is getting (and we quote) “messy” in the Class of 2020 Facebook group now that housing assignments have been released. Hopefully this piece will soothe your worries a little bit, first-years, or at least make you realize that who your freshman year roommate is won’t really matter in the long run.

As things usually go at Columbia University (in terms of Barnard getting the short end of the stick…is that too phallic?), Barnard first-years will have to wait a few weeks to find out their housing situations. And CC/SEAS students–though your roommate may look weird as fuck (God forbid you couldn’t find them on Facebook and had to reach out via LionMail), at least you don’t have to live in the Quad.

Ever since the first of May after securing your spot at Columbia (or earlier, if you really couldn’t wait to sign your life away), you’ve been eager to finalize all of the details of your future in MoHi–what you’ll be taking, how you’ll be getting there, and most permanently, who you’ll be living with. Unfortunately, the university hasn’t been as understanding, as up until today, you haven’t had the answers to almost any of these questions. This changes today, as you have finally received your housing assignment, which included who will be borrowing your toothbrush, sexiling you bi-weekly, and partially responsible for your mid-life crisis in February. That’s right Class Of 2020: your roommate assignment is here.

We’re being a little harsh–college roommates are the source of NSOP comfort, late-night Tom’s companions, and borrowed Lit Hum books. In fact, the first couple of months at CU will be the best ones you and your roommate share. When you both first arrive on campus, you guys will be excited to be at college, in New York City, and most importantly, away from your parents. For the first two weeks of school, you will have someone to consume every meal with, tag in every Instagram post, and include in your fake ID order. This is a great time, especially since you both know that you can ditch each other as soon as you start making real friends.

Some of you won’t be as lucky–while many assume that Columbia’s highly selective admissions process rewards its attendees with world-class peers, you would be surprised at how many idiots make their way into this school. It is very well likely that one of them could be your roommate. Shitty roommates are no fun, especially when they refuse to compromise, steal your booze, and manipulate your RA. They may sleep through their 8 am alarms every morning, or deal adderall in the evenings (which may not be that bad…in this case, convince them to trust you and turn them into your plug).

Whomever you get, today will not be the day you can determine their character (unless they have been extra vocal in the class Facebook group, in which case you can probably assume they’re weird as fuck). Today is when you get knee deep in all of their social media profiles, work up the courage to message them first, and finally ask the big question: are you going to buy the fridge? Bwog wishes you the best, and hopes that you won’t end up on your knees next April trying for a better situation next year.