Will you kill for Nutella?

Happy Halloween Month! If you’re anything like Bwog, you’ll be noticing campus becoming ~spookier~ as Hallowen draws closer. Bwog Senior Staff Writer Gabrielle Kloppers recounts a very real, and very scary problem for Columbia students year round; the ever-present, ever-nosy, Suite Ghost.

Despite not living in the Ruggles Murder Suite, we are all nevertheless plagued by strange noises all times of the day and night. What is that noise? A rat? A ghost tapping at your windowpane? Your drunk suitemate swaying to the bathroom (on a Tuesday)? It is probably the latter, but your willingness to believe in the supernatural grows as you notice some strange inconsistencies around the Suite. Where did that jar of Nutella go? Surely you didn’t scrape out the final dregs. That’s not your spitty fingermarks on the edge of the jar. Where are the four bananas you stole from Ferris (karma is a bitch)?

At this moment, you begin to suspect some foul play afoot, and download an iPhone app that promises it will tell you if there’s a ghost around- and help you communicate with it. You’re a bit skeptical, until the app beeps that the electrochemical signals in the air (what does that mean?) indicate there’s a ghost, right behind you. Her name is Jane and her signal isn’t overly strong. Fuck you Jane, you think. Stop stealing MY Nutella, it is midterm season and the sugar is sorely needed.

Then a new thought creeps into the back of your mind- what use would Jane have for Nutella? Ghosts definitely don’t eat trans fats. The ghost must be human. And that certain human is someone from within your suite, the suite you laboriously picked into with your shitty lottery number last year. You trusted them- how could it have gone so far so quickly? But the first question to answer is who the betrayer is. You can’t trust anyone anymore, so you go over to the Suite Whiteboard and ask whether anyone is allergic to chocolate or nuts. Let them believe you’re going to make them brownies. It serves them right, when really you’re trying to cross out possible suspects.

It’s only halfway through your ingenious plan that you realize that there is always an easier way, so you simply order a nanny-cam from Amazon for $40. It’s about the principle of it now. You know you will never tell anyone, that this is your cross to bear. Nobody can be trusted, not with Halloween drawing near. This is a dog-eat-dog world, or rather, a thief-eat-Nutella one.

That night, the pitch black tones of your room keep you awake and shivering, as you try to puzzle out whether the noises outside your window are those of drunk smokers (thanks to the smoking ban, this confusion should be cleared up soon), or wolves howling at the lack of the moon. You remember that your iPhone app says that Jane-the-ghost is still lurking. Halloween is coming, and despite the fact that the mystery of the disappearing food will soon be solved, the night is full of terrors and steadily growing darker.

photo via Shockingly Delicious