Ovid got his Laurel Wreath. Take that, Vergil!

When you saw this, you probably wondered “What are ‘Dante’s Laurels?” And if you’re SEAS or Barnard, you probably just analyzed that vague name “Dante”. And just to lap the entire Columbia circle, if you’re GS, you’re probably analgesic over us kids talking naughtily about your old Patroclean buddy. Regardless, during stressful times like these it’s often easy to forget that Columbia students have always spurted forth the full effects of the Negative Dialectic. That is, there has always been an unsettling psychological degeneracy originating conversely from Columbia’s bloated fountainhead of unbearable academic and environmental stress.

So what, exactly, are Dante’s Laurels? It’s a subset of the King’s Quest—a reboot, you could say. Following the path of Vergil and Dante, you, the modern day Pilgrim (or Beatrice—fuck gender roles), must in one day plant your flag and sow your seed at the emblematizations of Dante’s three realms. After plunging into the writhing and infernal bowels of Columbia’s tunnels with your companion, you must then journey to that mountain of academic purgatory, which would force even cunning Ulysses to yearn for Calypso’s warm embrace: the Butler Stacks. And, at last, to bear the frenzied blood rush of Dante’s Laurels to completion, you must penetrate the paradisiacal Heavens themselves on a Columbia roof.

While some versions of this journey call for one of the carnal companions to be a Barnard student, we feel that’s limiting. Anybody should be able to receive the hallowed seed of the Columbia Core for themselves. While some tales replace the tunnels with the swimming pool or the gym according to our “perennially accurate” college wiki, the tunnels are more snugly analogous for a Columbia student’s penurious vagrancy.

And, hey, because we want to see the dull thudding of Columbia’s nefarious penumbra disappear, we’ll even toss in a few tips:

• If you need help on gliding into Columbia’s underpasses, you can search WikiCU, ask around CUMB, or get to know some of those who Smash most at Columbia.
• The Stacks are the Stacks. Just remember that if you wait too long, you won’t accomplish Dante’s Laurels to completion.
• There are many roofs to choose from in order to finally cup in your hands that divine pennant of Dante. Familiarize yourself with Butler 8. Plunge deep into Mudd, which Bwog thinks a hole of despair. Rush Beta. One way or another, God’s Love will uplift you two lustful vagabonds to glorious ecstasy.
• Don’t get caught.

Sing, oh Muses, of our Pilgrim’s ecstatic journey Auréola / Public Domain